Day 1
Bhartii
Bangles.Harlequin green bangles.Aham always said they brought out the best in me.As if looking through the gleaming crystal loops,he could see the shades and faces of my identity unknown to all except him and derived an unearthly pleasure in the act.Like the drops and streamlets of stray water left on a grassy lawn after an october evening rain,the bangles melted and reformed in my mind to show all shapes and hues Aham saw as the aspects and alter-egos which made me who i was- pure,lively,radiant and serene.
The first thing i noticed as i raised my hands to look for my lock in the array of locks hanging along the chain was his enchanted face,gazing intently at me with a guarded enigmatic expression which spoke all languages restrained love was a polyglot of.The way he was looking at me made me realize how clumsy i was with the manoeuvre and how his eyes could find beauty in places wholly mundane and meaningless to the rest of us.Finally when i found my lock,i could not help but look wistfully at the chain which held so many of the locks along its entire length and was more than a merger of ordinary and the symbolic,of tangible and the spiritual.We were at the doorway of the Dargah,and i could already feel the waves of absolute peace and piety which cut you off from rest of the world leading to a trance almost painful and majorly exotic.
Six months ago i had asked for a wish,cuddling it safely in my tears and the lock i had put on the chain the last time i had been here and now that the dream was standing beside me,i was here to take the souvenir of the blessing back home.As we walked to the inner courtyard,we played our silly little game of touching and counting each other’s fingers as many times as possible whenever we walked close enough.The fragrant aroma of perfumes,flowers and incense sticks and the hypnotizing hymns reverberating through the precincts completed the arc of the catharsis my mind was secretly wishing for and before i knew i,was crying softly.
“You are crying,bachche ! ” Aham stopped and whispered to my face while struggling with my stole to make sure my head was properly covered.
” Can’t I ? ” I smiled at him,with eyes full of tears.And love.
“All you want ! However on second thoughts you think we can spare the Moallim the ordeal of watching you break down just because you have nothing to cry over ? ” He smiled back at me,with eyes full of mirth and intoxicating bliss.
” Yeah sure,just don’t give me a look which shows how eager you are to give me a reason.Again ! ” I wiped the tears away,caressing their nimble,ephemeral warmth.
Few minutes later,when we were returning back,Aham paused at the site where the chain was hanging.When i looked quizzcally at him,he nodded and took out a small lock from his pocket.As i stood wondering what was that supposed to mean,he put the lock in place,giving it a fleeting kiss,all the while looking at me.
“What did you wish for ? ” I asked him,sounding very much the idiot i was feeling like inside.
” Same as your wish.Love.Always love.And a way we could be together forever,in the time warp which completes both of us.” He answered,a whimsical fantasy playing strange melancholic numbers in his eyes,which were now focussed at the distant hillocks visible at the top of the climb.
” You are stil not over the entire thing.” I murmured,reflecting on the meaning and implications of my own statement.
” What made you think so bachche ?”, he wavered in his intensity.” I’m good.Let’s go.”
When we reached my place and i got out of his car,i lingered to say something to him.
But he was the first to speak,his face in throes of something which no words could explain ” Bhartii,i have to tell you something and do know that there’s no good way to say this.The lock i put up on the chain there was not for you.And this is the last time we will ever see each other.I can not explain and i know you won’t care.I’m sorry.”
And that was actually the last time i saw Aham.My Aham.My dream,as it rushed away from me.I can still recall the anguish and rage which flashed on his face as he raised the window and drove away like a maniac while i stood in front of my house,shattered,lost and transfixed- like the kid who assembles all the lego blocks in the right places and is about to complete his dream castle when somebody walks down on the structure breaking it into pieces,which can never be recovered and assembled the same way ever.
Aham
Pain.Excruciating pain.The sort where you know picking on it will hurt and you still go with it.The type which proves that there are things far worse than death.That was what i felt as i drove away deserting Bhartii in love and life.But forgiveness was bonded with the pangs of guilt surging through my being.I knew this was not something i could do,but also this was the very thing i had to do.Six months of imprisonment and the taint which comes with it is enough to take down any diligent law student’s career and sanity.I struggled as much i could until the shadows within the shadows of insecurity grew way larger than my existence,swallowing it alive.And i did not want the Fates to word a similar story for Bhartii.She was better off without me.We both were better off without each other.Loving somebody is easier,it’s the stepping back for your love which tears you down to pieces.I,however was a different story.My love for Bharatii was the only reason i made it through and ironically,it was the reason i was falling down and down and down,into an abyss i had no wish to get out of.
Day 5
Bhartii
Sometimes when i was taking a break from being my pragmatic self,i would wonder what’s stronger than guilt and a silhouette of it in all other respects.Now i knew.Helplessness.All these days when Aham was not picking up my calls or replying to my texts and pings,each new series of rings i heard when i dialled his number was a thread i held onto more and more violently and frantically.Every single beep on my phone bubbled up and then cruelly burned down my hopes.Spending all my days staring at his facebook wall just to get a glimpse or a word of what he was up to was something i never thought i would have to do.But here i was,turning into and harbouring the mockery of love i felt for him.
And then the realisation dawned on me.It was the instant i saw him walk away in the middle of the only class we had in common and for which he had turned up after two days; not even bothering with a glance at me.I recalled the story of a boy my best friend Vidhi had told me the other day,who was so obsessed with a pendant his late dad had left for him that he quoted events and proofs to claim it as his lucky charm.He always won his soccer matches when he had the pendant with him.One fine day,he discovered a crack in the thing and took it to his mom.His mom promised to get it mended and she did.The next day when the kid came back home after winning a match,his mom kissed him and told him they needed to talk.Turns out the pendant could not be repaired and the mother had bought an exactly similar one for the child just because he thought he could not go on without the pendant,which as it was evidently proven,he totally could.I was being the child.My unrequited feelings,and the hurt and aching hollowness which were taking over them, were distorting the paradigm through which i had to see the entire thing in context.I had to get my mind out of the mess where it could think rationally.Fast ! And boy,is blabbering always easier than doing the task for real !
I realised that the hard way,crying my eyes out for the entire evening,lighting ten or so blue candles in my room.Afterwards drunk on my grief and drowned in the loud music around me,i answered Vidhi’s call.
” Bhartii,are you okay ? Listen we need to talk.” She sounded way more tense and solemn than i was.
” Yup….i just realised that it’s no use holding onto each word he said,each memory which was exclusively ours if i what am fighting for is to get him out of my mind.I really don’t have to close the entire book,just turning the page and forgetting about it should suffice.And i am not that weak,am i Vidhi,when each breath i take,every time i look at him and don’t break down to the miserable creature i had become proves that i can live ? As long as i have people like you and mom holding me in place,i don’t have to be The Kid.I simply can not afford the luxury of being him.” I said and immediately felt some of the crushing weight on my psyche lighten.
“Yes.I am so happy for you that you actually saw through the things with reason and i understand that you still need a closure; at least some sort of an explanation from Aham,but believe you me,sometimes it’s best not to question things.We should be prudent enough if we are dealing with the phases in life which are more of Pandora’s box.” She said in her trademark “serious talk’ tone which always had a calming effect on me.
“How i hate it when you are so damned right ! “, I sighed and smiled inwardly.” So,what are the plans for tomorrow ? Wanna go out somewhere after college ? I badly need to try my hand at being normal. ”
” That won’t be possible.This is what we needed to talk about.”
” What now ? I mean,we just had a dead serious talk,Vidhi ! ” I grumbled.
” No.You don’t understand and i don’t know how to make you understand,but just know this girl,i love you and i want you to be happy and us to remain best friends no matter what .Aham and i are going out on a date tomorrow.”
Vidhi
Fire and ice.Blood and gold.Mercy and treason.Oh,how closely are ironies bound to the facets of life ! The hardest thing you have to do turns out to be the best thing you ever did.I loved and cared for Bhartii more than any friend could ever do,but you know a bitch when you see one.Our hearts are those wretched little monsters,turning the very definition of love into a nasty oxymoron.The truth is i loved Aham more.I always did.But when i knew Bhartii was going out with him,i checked myself from turning into one of those jealousy-driven,backbiting friends i had always despised.I knew i had to.Why,if it was the other way around,Bhratii would have done the same and that’s something i am sure of more than myself.It was meant to be that way.But then i got to know that things could never work out between her and Aham and my feelings for him were back to where they truly belonged.It was the least i could do for Bhartii.And for Aham.It was mercy.Yes,it was mercy.And trust.And the million little things friendship is.
Day 8
Bhartii
The sensation of the lights in my room being turned on was easy to gauge with my eyes closed.I had a vicious pumping of aching pulses raging in my head,made worse by the illumination,but i was certainly not going to wake up so early on a saturday morning.More so because i had nothing left to wake up for.A blackboard dusted clean after a long day.That was my life now- empty,plain and amazingly vast for a fresh start.But then i smelled a faint hint of my morning coffee,which i had given up on for the last few days.And my mom.I could hear the characteristic chiming of her bangles as she put my books and laptop away from my bed and placed the tray on the table beside my bed.
Her cold hands on my forehead were a soothing change,a caress which meant home.And peace.
” You okay,Tee ? Want to wake up,love,and talk to me for a while ? Just look at the view outside the window.Looks like winter is coming early this year.” She spoke,brushing her fingers through my hair.
I opened one eye,and then both. ” What time is it,mom ? ”
” Nine o’clock.Your dad just went out after having a talk about you.He worries.” Was she choking on her words ?
” Tell him there’s nothing to worry about.You can only feel the hurt to a limit.Push someone beyond that and the person couldn’t care less.After you complete the circle,there’s nowhere to go.”, I tried to comfort her,hoping that the words sounded true and sincere enough.
” But you haven’t completed the circle,Tee.There’s still a lot you have to do.”, She commented.
” Yeah,like falling in love again ? Getting a job ? Mom,give me a break.I know what i have to do.And you just don’t order your heart around.If i don’t feel like it,i won’t do anything.That’s it ! ” I was furious now,my anger shifting it’s locant from betrayal and infidelity to spoonfeeding and pampering.
” But you always loved going to your dance classes.May be they’ll help.Just to get you going and keep you busy,beta.” She suggested,half-afraid i would shout at her or something.
But I didn’t.” Fine.I will go.Just let me sleep for a few more minutes.”, I tried to force a smile,and failed royally at that.
She gave me a peck and went away without saying a word.As if she thought she could fool me into thinking how composed and strong she was and she wasn’t crying herself to sleep every single night i did it in my own bed.
Maansi
People think it’s easier to forgive yourself than to forgive someone else.All love,after all,is derived from self-love.But is it ? A mother knows better.When you see your child,a part of you,suffering and can do nothing about it,that part somewhere within you dies a thousand deaths.Bhartii was always closer to me than her dad.And what good did that do her ? I still can’t do anything about it,i might as well consider myself the one to blame.I have failed as a mother,as a woman and as the mentor Bhatii always thought i was to her.As i look at her face now,i can almost touch the cold knife,the hurt,the dread and the feeling that my child still has a long way to go if she is to come out of the torment she is in.
Day 16
Bhartii
I had always loved Salsa.When i was at it,i transformed into someone else.Someone who is magic,fire and grace; all things beautifully lethal.I love Suelta,its solo form even more.But not that evening.
An arm caught me around the waist,pulling me onto the dance floor.I recovered my footing quickly,holding his hands in mine and falling in step with Kavya.Kavya,who was pure mischief and a bastard in the game of hearts.As he spun me into an intricate turn,his eyes sparkled with innocent delight,with a fervent hope and an intense faith in my capability to love again.I let him lead me around,wondering how really good he was at it.A guy who can understand and speak in the wordless expressions the beats and turns signified; can you imagine the sarcasm destiny had a way to throw at me ? I could almost hear the three hags giggle in mirth.I had to try and resist myself from loving a guy who was leaving no stones unturned to make sure i give in.I mean,just look at the things the man was doing for me ! He called himself my ” Rebound Romeo” ( a term most of the other guys would self-combust at ),would listen to all of my sob-stories,take me out to crappy movies we laughed our asses off and proposed to me in the middle of my Insurance Law class (i was majorly surprised later when i recalled that i hadn’t even looked at Aham at the time ),which needless to say,did not help much with my grades in a project i was already late for.To top it all,my mom and dad were literally abetting the guy in his endeavour.Mom actually gave away my favourites in music to the Pied Piper,which immediately resulted in the daily delivery of a mixed DVD at my place.Worse still,the songs were all fabulous and a treat to discover and indulge in.
As if he was reading my mind all along,he smiled and spun me out into a flourish-filled ending,much to the delight of everyone in the class.Cheers and laughter continued,but as they faded and the group dispersed for the night,Kavya persisted in holding on to my hand,his fingers laced with mine.The music faded to a dramatic finish,and i finally decided to look at his face.
” I want to talk.Mind if we stop by at my place on the way home ? ” The question was clearer in his eyes.
I nodded and we both walked out of the studio.
Once at his place,he handed me a bottle of diet coke and asked me to wait while he changed and got himself his beer.When he came back in his turquoise blue hoodie and pyjamas,i wondered if this was actually the guy i had been running away from.He was looking so adorable.And vulnerable.
” So !! ” He sat down next to me on the couch and flashed a brief, goofy grin.” We have had this talk before as well.And you know all i want out of you is that you move on.So,it’s important for me to know if you are ready or not.”
” And you want me to believe that the exclusive motive behind the concern is altruism ? “, I raised an eyebrow,enjoying the game inside.
” Hell no !! I ain’t a goddamned saint,you are too attractive for me to be one ! ” He laughed out loud.” You know how much i want you.It’s your turn to give it a shot,tell me if you will.”
And that did it.The sheer honesty,cuteness and the prospects ahead which he meant to me were incentives enough.I had all the rights to be happy for once and to start all over again.The company i was going to have might just turn out to be the best bonus ever.And come to think of it,what did i have to lose ? To hell with it ! I would go for it !! ” What if i say yes ? ” I teased him.
” What ? The best i can do right now is drinking to us and may be throwing one of us out of the window in the excitement ! ” He winked.
” Do that to yourself.The answer is yes ! ” I said,and before i could complete the statement,he lifted me off the couch,shouting ” Yay !! I love you” all the while and when he put me down,the look in his eyes turned almost dreamy as he leaned in for a kiss.
The rest of the night was spent in a daze ; the first kiss,the tender caresses on my hair,the weight and smell of Kavya’s body on mine,the way our fingers had interlocked perfectly and the instant our souls and bodies became one in pleasure and pain were all foggy details,until the moment he chose to break the comfortable,magical silence,through which i was drinking his essence and being.
” There’s more to it,Bhartii.Do you want to talk it out right now ?
” Tell me”, i breathed on to his face.
” I know you would need to talk to Aham one last time before you can truly get over the entire thing.I have asked him to meet you tomorrow and he has agreed.But before you do that,you need to know something.You remember the first time we met in the dance class ? I bet you won’t know that that was not purely accidental; i mean how could things have moved so fast between us if there wasn’t another story playing in the background ? It goes all the way back to the time Aham was jailed.You see,i have known Aham before you.In fact,i got to know about you from him.Since the first time i saw you,i was always smitten by the enigma in you.So,when Aham decided to let you go for your own good, Vidhi,him and i had a talk.Afterwards,your parents also sided in our efforts in saving you from yourself,from your love.They knew this all along.We all did,and now that you are safe where you truly belong,i thought you had a right to know.”
” You bet ! ” I said,as i kissed him.
Two months later
Bhartii
Bangles.Blood red bangles.I knew they were bringing out the best in me.Fire,blood,vengeance,rage and beauty.Anger ventilated turns into forgiveness,anger concealed into revenge.What of the anger you didn’t even know you were carrying within ? People should either be treated generously or destroyed altogether,because they take revenge for slight injuries; for heavy ones they can’t.And tonight,the woman won’t be frailty,whatever the bard might have said earlier.Rising over and forgiving someone is sweet,crushing them down to pieces is sweeter still.Like i had heard it somewhere,if everything you loved turns out to be a lie,somebody has to pay ; if deception cuts this deep,somebody has to pay.Justifying love and forgiveness was something i was doing all along,and where did that get me ? People would hiss and scoff at the very mention of words like hate and revenge,but conveniently disregard the fact that it is love which has caused more damage in the entire human history.Or that the hate inside them is as much a real part of them as the blue-eyed love.I was selfish enough to side with the one which suited me better.Tonight,it was hate,fuelling me,driving me to the strength and self-worth i never knew i had.For once,i was truly in charge of my life and felt good about it.If people abhor revenge by the same logic which scares them away from pleasure,constantly running away from any sins they might commit,let them.I won’t.Anymore.
This night was mine.The night of my engagement.Once i got down into the lawn where the marquee was,i texted Aham.
Minutes later,he was in front of me.
” Oh my my ! ” I flashed the brightest smile i could. ” Look at you,Aham ! Ever so handsome,ever so full of life,aren’t you ? ”
” i just wanted to……” He started.
” Stop ! I know what you wanted to.To wish me a happy life ahead,with Kavya.You need not.I will make sure it is one.But i got to tell you somethig else.It’s my turn at the ” We need to talk” thingy.Oh,it’s about your little baby i am carrying inside me.”
Shock and panic leaped into his eyes.
” Oh,remember the night we met,two days after i said yes to Kavya and the cosy little weak moment we had ? “, I was all smiles.And malice. ” What,did you,like this fool with the ring over there,think that the baby was his ? ”
I smiled and started walking down to Kavya,who looked devastingly handsome in his suited up avatar.” When you guys started playing gambles with my life,you didn’t bother to consult me at any point,did you? Same here.I just forgot to tell you that i didn’t take any pills the next morning.As for my parents who were so obsessed with their son and the financial mess they were in,they didn’t give two hoots to my ambitions,to my feelings,my desires,right ? Well,this kid will be a constant reminder for me to stay away from them.And as you can see that my filthy rich husband there will support me in whatever i do,i will continue chasing my studies and dreams like i had always intended to.And i am glad that i didn’t have to see my Aham with anybody.Thank God he died and left you in his place,an abomination,a weakling,a shadow of his former self and a miserable craven at heart.Tell your bitch that she could have the man you are so clearly not,when you share this wonderful,heart-warming piece of news with her.Or i will.Ok, i have to rush now.Gotta tell my boy about the thing as well ! You stay put,and enjoy the night.” I sent a flying kiss his way and turned to the lights.And to the new life waiting eagerly for me.
ANNEXURE ( Related reading ) :
Draupadi,as portrayed in Mahabharata
Stories in Blood 