Symphony of Love………….In Under 20 minutes

7 : 30 pm.

The sight of the shimmering lights and smoke across the muggy city,as tired as him after a day’s work,made him wince.He sighed,adjusted his posture and asked himself to smile to shake the fatigue off himself.The lady sitting next to her gave her a curious look,tinged with intrigue and smugness,as if smoking an ultra mild cigarette made her an irresistible Goddess from some alternate dimension.He ignored her,which,given her unsightly and nauseatingly gaudy appearance,was quite an easy endeavour.

An angry red gash across the sky flashed at a distance,illuminating the stoic realm of concrete in all its nakedness.No rains for him tonight,however.He could tell this simply by looking at the clouds.He wasn’t complaining though.Kindness,these days,made him uneasy.The feeling of being comfortably numb never seemed like such an enticing,cozy nest to him before.He took out his thought journal from his briefcase – empty.Symbolism is such a bitch sometimes,he mused.

Earlier when he used to look at people,they meant a billion different stories to him.Stories,which he wanted to tell at some point,or to be a part of.Now they were mere objects of annoyance to him,telling him that in the game of his own life,he has somehow slipped into the character of a pawn,and to his own horror has started liking it.When he had read The Catcher in the Rye for the first time,he hated the whiny,eternally frustrated protagonist Holden in spite of the beautiful arc of the “fallen” and the “catcher” which revolved around his debatable maturation through the length of the novel.He wasn’t just that sure anymore.Weakness is not a choice,but an inevitable lesson for everyone.His time for being a protege was right there and then- he might as well give himself to it,shouldn’t he,he found himself asking the question.

That worried him.Getting too close to his real feelings had become a daunting prospect for him.He quickly fished out his Blackberry and logged in to his facebook account.Simultaneously he checked his call/text log in the notification area.

7 notifications.The addict in him got his reward for not checking his phone every five minutes.He smiled inwardly,and scrolled through the list of the notifications.

6 : 05 pm. Text message from Kanika.

He won’t talk to me,Mayank.All I wanted was to give him his portrait i got painted last week.Strangely,I don’t feel anything else.It’s like a neat,check-mark to our story-we are done.

Also,i wont be coming to the theatre for rest of the week.Please convey the same to Baasu Da.For some reason his number is unreachable.

‘So.it’s over.Aarav is not coming back.If only this girl could separate her roles on stage from her life ! If only she could love reality as much as she loves herself !! If only she knew where to draw the line,to stop her life as an actor from taking over her entire being ! Aarav was the best man she would ever get,the only one who saw how incapable she was of experiencing real emotions,of living a life which was truly hers  –   and still loved her.God,why couldnt she cry when he came to say goodbye ? ” He reflected,vigorously shaking his head.This made the lady stare at him again,this time with obvious disdain.

The bus had reached his stop by then.He started getting out of his seat,but paused for a while and looked squarely at the lady.

” You guys get reservations in public transport,don’t you ? Why ? So that you can burn the buses down all the while reading that it’s forbidden to smoke in here ? And whom are you doing a favour by gulping this toxic fire down your lungs ?”

The lady,visibly scandalisedand shocked,choked on the smoke.Before she could blurt out something as vitriolic as her facial expression,she started shaking with a coughing fit.And rage.

Mayank got out out of the bus leaving her caught in the tendrils of the smoke around her.He began to cross the road,checking his phone again.

Screeeeeechhhhhhh……!!! An autorickshaw stopped inches away from him.The driver gave him an angry look,as if complaining about the fact that Mayank was still alive after rankling him with his obtuse recklessness.He neither had the energy nor the will to bother with another confrontation,hence he returned the driver’s look with an indifferent one and moved on to the other side of the road,pretending to be engrossed in something urgent on his phone .

6 : 15 pm. Missed call from Nayan.

‘She called ? Why ? Did she need anything? Has she sensed something ?’ He wondered.A rush of seething memories came upon him unawares.A dream…..she was there.He was touching her……..drowning in her breath.And then that one touch when she was buttoning his shirt because Natasha was in the bathroom.That felt wrong,but exciting first.But he never did or could act……he knew…he shouldn’t even be thinking about it.He did feel that way though,to be sure and exactly when he stooped that low he could not recall.That was just once,he consoled himself,desperate to rationalize what he had felt.He quickly tapped the next notification and it opened as a text message.

6 : 17 pm. Text message from Archna.

You have to talk to Natasha.She has gone way too far.It has been three months and she refuses to do anything about her job.They have already sent three letters,the next one would positively be a dismissal note if this goes on.She has lost interest in herself,Mayank.The other day I noticed her wearing the same gown for four days and I pointed it out to her.She just smiled at me absent-mindedly and went on with whatever she was doing.It’s almost likes she is treating Aniruddh’s illness as the badge of her ultimate failure.You remember how protective you were about Nayan when Natasha had just come into your life ? And this is Aniruddha we are talking about,the only living soul she loves more than you.Do something before her self-loathing and low self-esteem take her as well as Aniruddha down.For Christ’s sake,the child is barely 11 months old !! Talk to her and then get back to me.I will be waiting.

‘Wretched woman ! She thinks that she loves her sister more than I love my wife !!’ This annoyed Mayank until the truth dawned on him.He had been neglecting Natasha.Whe was the last time he made love to her or held her in his arms like he used to ? He saw her fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of depression Aniruddha’s malady meant for her and chose to ignore her.Heck,that must not have been personal though.He had been ignoring himself,to begin with.But he was in love with Natasha once,wasn’t he ? Truly.Madly.Deeply.He had turned into half a person after the death of his first wife.He quit  his job as a lecturer and joined a local theatre exactly five months after Meher died.Natasha walked out on her husband to marry him a year later.Now the two one-legged people were trying to walk together and failing miserably at that.The taste was more bitter because when they were falling in love they had forgotten that they were with the disability before they came to each other – now the only comfort left to them was blame.And resentment.An easy game this one,thought Mayank.

He closed his eyes for a few seconds,standing under the flyover from where he was to board a taxi.A gentle,cool wind had started blowing as the evening gracefully handed over the reins to a serene moonlight.He opened his eyes once he felt a bit better.

6 : 20 pm. Text message from Shaurya.

Where the hell are you ? Tried calling you twice.Romit called me after you left.He says………he won’t be getting back.That he can only think of his life without me now !! How could he do that to me ? How could he deny me the right to hold his hand,to love him,to walk him out of this tragedy ? Should the end of one life spell the same for all other relationships ? And then he hangs up by saying that he loves me ! Fuck his love ! I want him,and not these bloody words !!Call me back when you see this.

He scrolled down further to read the next one.

6 : 25 pm. Text message from Romit.

Mayank,I want you to do me a favour.Please explain to Shaurya why I can never make it back to the city and help him forget me.You are the only one close enough to him to do that.You will never know the horror,the surreality of listening to your father’s last words as everyone in the family looks at you with a disconsolate helplessness(and I truly wish that you never do).He never was the father I wanted him to be but only because it was really difficult for him to accept that I would never be the man he wanted me to be.The love I always craved from him awaits me in the form of the family he has left me to look after.I can not lose that love again.Yes,I am a craven,a spineless creature weighing and comparing Shaurya’s love against my family’s.And here I am.Lost.Defeated.Shattered.I have chosen my family because Shaurya will still be loved without me there.You will assure me on that count,won’t you ? Tell him that I have loved him like he was the only one I ever knew,and that is how it always will be.

A strange fancy took him in its hold as he finished reading the text and he started smiling.Without flicking through the rest of the notifications,he locked his phone and put it into his pocket.Drawing three big cross marks in his head,he shook his head.’This ends here’,he muttered to himself.Love doesn’t have to be this difficult,nor happiness this painful.

He walked over to the nearest taxi and asked the driver if he would take him to Orion shopping mall.As he was negotiating the fare,a small girl grabbed hold of his shirt asking for loose change.For the first time in his life,Mayank found that gesture cute.He turned to the girl,sporting a huge grin and lovingly ruffled her hair.The girl,slightly abashed,started giggling sweetly.He gave her a five rupee coin and got into the taxi.The girl kept waving at the taxi until it swerved around a corner and disappeared into the huge sea of callous,cold traffic lost in its own rage and rush.

After a minute,he texted the director of the theatre he worked at,telling him that Kanika won’t be coming for the rest of the week and he for the rest of his life.He could barely stop himself from breaking into guffaws as he imagined the look on the poor guy’s face when he would read the text.May be this was worth it for that alone.He had to call Natasha before he reached the mall though.He dialled her number and soon found himself humming along with the caller tune…

Zindagi do pal ki………..

Zindagi do pal ki………..

Intezaar kab tak ham karenge bhalaa….

Tumhe pyaar kab tak na karenge bhalaa……

ADDENDUM : There is beauty,only beauty,and nothing else.Taking pictures is savoring life intensely, every hundredth of a second.And yet the best part of beauty is that which no picture can expresss.Walking in rains,falling in love,winning a dart game ,getting cozy around a January bonfire – that’s all there is.Embrace life,kiss passionately and pick up your moments of awesomeness !! La vie est une célébration !!

#1 High-fiving babies

#2 Finally getting that annoying bit of popcorn out of your teeth

# 3 When someone lands on a hotel you just built in monopoly

#4  Fixing electronics by smacking them

#5  Bakery air in early spring

#6  The final seconds of untangling a really complicated knot

#7  The friendly nod between strangers out doing the same thing

#8  Old folks who sit on their porch and wave at you when you walk by

#9  Staring at deep,calm water

#10 Getting the eyelash out of your eye

# 11 When you arrive at your destination just as a great song ends on the radio/music player

#12  Talking about how much the meal you are having at home would cost in a restaurant

#13 The feeling when the love of your life arranges a surprise for you after a fight

#14  Lying in bed and listening to the sound of rain from inside the tent

#15 Catching somebody singing in their car and sharing a laugh with them

#16 When you manage to squeeze out enough toothpaste for one last brush

#17 When you hear someone’s smile over the phone

#18 Remembering what movie that guy is from

#19 A hug from someone who always makes things right for you

#20 Crying freely

Sanctum

The wait is turning tedious and draining.

I watch him at close quarters- he bites his lips ever so lightly,nervous and excited at the thought of it.An amalgam of a smile and a restrained sneer zig-zags down his face in confused arcs.He draws a deep breath,smelling the aroma of roses and earth.And temptation.This helps him out with his predicament.He allows himself another,more convinced smile,puts his i-pod on shuffle,adjusts his headset and the collar of his oddly sweaty shirt before his eyes start gleaming with someone i know for a tricky consort of mine.I relax in the familiarity.

” Next station is Janakpuri West.Doors will open on the right.Please mind the gap.”

The announcement makes him uneasy,as if he was running short of time,which most probably was true by the look on the girl’s face and her frequent glances at her watch.He casually releases the overhead strap he was hanging on to and shifts uncomfortably to his right in the crowd,manoeuvring his way through the array of inconvenience topped by a fat boy lost in his hardcover,salvaging the humanity around him with his almost condescending,bored demeanour and reeking underarms.Next he steps on the toes of an obnoxiously groomed pest of a man listening to some trash on his cellphone and being altruistic enough to sing in sync with the beats loud and clear enough to let everyone around be familiar with the lyrics,in case they were even vaguely curious or feeling left out.In a seemingly disoriented attempt at holding on to the pole next to him,he brushes his hand through her hair.A shiver of forbidden electricity runs wild through his being and he stops dead in his endeavour,keeping his hand where it fell first,softly caressing her.Apparently the girl didn’t notice at all and is still smiling at something only she is privy to.He stands frozen next to her,rooted in and bound to her intoxicating presence.A distant thought and visage crosses his mind which grabs my attention,but he shakes the hesitation off himself soon enough and i slip back into my inertia,disappointed but eager for a resurgence.

The girl decides to take something out of her purse,opens its zip,rummages through the chaos,and takes out her cellphone.With the sleek,shining phone in her dainty hand,she suddenly turns towards him.He is taken aback and prepares himself for an explanation or apology,swallowing a lump.But she flashes a benign smile and presses the digits on the keypad several times in a swift,cyclical movement of her manicured nails.I watch him loosen up and smile again tentatively,like a child testing the patience of his parents.

For the rest of the duration of his commute,he makes do with just looking at her and doing all the homework in his head.Not so when she was getting out of the train.He made a face, a convincing one for his non-existent discomfort, and pressed his body against her as she picked her carry bag up from the floor,aligning his face with her back.His entire body thrummed alive with the rush,her proximity making him go wobbly and high and light-headed.His orgasmic ordeal was punctuated only by her exit,allowing him to catch his breath.

I do not respond kindly to being thrown to the sidelines.He,of all, should know.

* * *  * * *

When he reaches the stop at the end of his street,he gets off the metro feeder bus bathed in new outlook and sensations,vigour and uncertainty,vaguely inebriated on his own novelty.The feeling was like getting out of ruts ; like discovering a new side of yourself, like lying when you know you would get away with it.Suddenly his phone starts ringing and the spell is broken.Home.He picks up the call with a smile and talks with animated gestures meant at making himself believe in what he wanted.

It was the most I could do to stop jeering and sniggering in his face.Oh, do I heart me these little games of convenience people play with themselves,making sure they feel what they are supposed to !

After hanging up,he looks at the hoarding in front of him advertising a hair care product promising the classic oxymoronic promise of delivering a “new and improved” version,unsure of what he was looking at or what was he asked to do.A minute later,he brushes the confusion away and starts walking to the butcher’s shop down the street.

I grow weary of this ring-a-rosy where the cards are not mine and excruciatingly mundane.

While he waits for his order to be handed over to him at the butcher’s,he watches the man at his work.He observes him grasp the legs of a bird firmly in his right hand,raising it off the ground.The bird swings in the air,suspended with its head hanging down.The butcher touches the edge of the chicken’s neck where it meets its skull.He is transfixed by the light in the bird’s eyes and even though it makes him mildly sick,he continues to stare.With one swift stroke of his knife,the butcher slashes the neck of the bird.The decapitated chicken starts thrashing violently and spraying blood everywhere in terrifying spasms.The butcher quickly throws the torso into a tub of boiling water and covers it with a lid.Only then does he look away,feeling horrified,except not so much for real.

When he arrives at his apartment,I smile from the shadows.Home.More so for me than him.

* * *  * * *

Before she opens the door for him, I lurk around ; I consider my moves, reassess my words for their worth and satisfied with the entire procedure,allow him to put on a smile.

The next instant she stands in front of him.Freshly out of the shower.Wet hair, glowing face,enchanting smile.Beauty that makes you uncomfortable,charm which makes you feel like a stranger.I can never have enough of precisely that.I ask him to go for a peck and hug as I steal the warmth out of it to relish.Unaware of his state,she actually gives herself to him.I dismiss that as a diligent pretence.I urge him to look for a spark,a connection,the very same i replaced.He finds the exercise futile and taxing, and so do I.Settling for less is our forte, our existence.I do not like it one bit when the patterns are broken.

She asks him about his day.He answers with an enthusiasm as fake as the people denying my existence or treating me as their shameful secret,their blue-eyed guilty pleasure.He tells her funny and exciting stories he made up on his way home ; she tries very hard to believe him.Both know better however.He looks at the towel in her hand and a vision of his brother handing her the same towel flashes through his mind.She was in for her shower and he recalls clearly the pointedly lecherous manner in which his brother lingered and clavered for no reason whatsoever.Why do they talk so much, he finds himself asking the question.

Why do they ? I resonate.

He entreats her carefully,guardedly about this Expecting and Loving It club she was considering to join and she expresses her absolute lack of interest for the idea immediately.She would be better off reading books on the subject.Or fucking lord knows whom, he adds silently.He asks her if she can cook the chicken herself or should he do it for his love.She kisses him on the cheeks and gets up to head for the kitchen.

Five minutes later,he hears a thud followed by a scream ,and rushes frantically to the kitchen.She is lying on the floor in a little pool of blood,articulating,gurgling words,trying not to choke on them.He hears something to the effect of calling his brother.Or his mother.He couldn’t care less.And another upsurge of buried memories swirls in the whirlpool of his psyche.A packet of condoms in her room – opened,used.That didn’t need any explanation.

I left room for none.

This was the moment I was waiting for.I rise, I rush, I take him down.I shroud him in myself and take him down the abyss at the edge of which this dance commenced.We both fall down.Forever.

He calls his brother,explains the situation to him and gets out of the house,like a man about to die- with nothing to lose,everything to fear.

ADDENDUM

Listen to my symphony here ….

Silhouette

Subrato

 

When the first drop of the drizzle hit Subrato,he almost couldn’t feel it.His thoughts were muddled up and hazy like the eddies swirling and crossing each other in the deep,dark waters of River Hooghly flowing and extending endlessly in front of him.If only he knew how to understand the language the river spoke or why he wanted it to speak to him,may be the empty,crushing feeling in his stomach would go away.The river had always been his escape,his last refuge from reality ; sometimes from himself.Through all the fourty winters he had seen or an equal number of autumns he had hated religiously,this river was the single most stable element of constancy,of sanity.It never stopped enchanting him by its mundane manoeuvres like its gushing,bickering passage through the overgrown mangroves and algae along the eastern bank or the submergence of all the surrounding fields and Chaurs when the monsoons would come rushing down with the vigour of a child at his favourite game and wash away what had been another year of memories,lives and stories.The earthy aroma emanating from the shores when summer was about to kiss the land or the miniature paper dingies which the kids would put down the flow with heavenly smiles and surreal glow on their rain-drenched faces did something to Subrato.They made him feel alive,and like a crucial link in the grand scheme of things,a part of all that existed and all that would.The heat from the hand-charki or the aarti flowing back on his face during Kali Pujo and the reflection of million such lights in the river was a memory which never faded in his mind,neither did the Ooli,the chants,the Gulal and the bitter sweet ambience on the day of Bisorjan after the Durga Pujo.

And then that one Pujo night which changed who he was and how he saw the world or bizarrely,the other way around.As he sat down on one of the steps leading down to the agitated river,he closed his eyes.A cold,oddly familiar gust of wind whipped the rain against his face and reminded him of the absurdity of asking her to meet him here in the first place.He wasn’t exactly getting any younger and the river was not going to do what he had to anyway.The cold rain,the stinging wind and the ache within him were too much for a man his age.Or may be he just didn’t have it in him anymore.But if there was one thing in him which was a fossil of his former self,it was his perseverance.Misplaced stubbornness,his heart pointed out.Say something for Subrato,say he never wavered from going for what he wanted and believed in.Even as the elder son of a family without a father or the brother to a sister whose dreams were larger than all their lives,he never gave up for a minute of his austere existence.But sway he did,after all.

In retrospect,Subrato would mostly blame it on her eyes.Sadly,a fact that meant that she was only her ocean blue eyes to him because even after all his futile and excruciatingly taxing tries,he could not and did not see her as someone mortal,someone like him or Shamoli,or Maa.But if she were one,wouldn’t she be here now in his arms; her tender touches benumbing his face to the sensation of the raindrops ? He could remember the exact degree of glimmer in her eyes when she had first blurted out someting about his detached beauty,a charm that was not to be touched when he was teaching Shamoli how to fly kites just so that he could observe her closely.That was the closest they got,until that night of the Bisorjan.Subrato tasted bile in his throat as he recalled the gloom and sourness which had shadowed his being that wretched night- Shamoli had openly called him a failure,a pathetic sorry figure who was just trying to make all their lives miserable because he had none of his own left.Worse still,Maa had kept mum all along.So,basically,all his life devoted to his family was the only source of their misery.Fair enough ! Rage and shattered pieces of his identity and purpose were keeping him restless and in an agony which he had only felt at the demise of his father or his subsequent dropping out from his college.Never in his worst nightmares had he seen that or this night coming to him.And then he saw what he thought was his only hope of sanity and survival – She had come down to ask if he had had his dinner or not as Maa and Shamoli were out for the Bisorjan.Like a soul demented and tortured for eternities,he ran for his escape.And in a flash,pinned her down on his bed.She was flabbergasted,raw fear,disgust and confusion replacing each other on her face in a dance of harmony.

He never got to the rage in her eyes or her bewildered,pleading screams because he could not,did not look at her eyes.That would have made it impossible.In some alternate version of reality,he saw her coming to him and meeting his animalistic and ardent cravings to perfection.As he lowered his body on hers,and she hit him with the lampshade for his bed,his eyes met her eyes.The pain,the trauma,the madness in there was haunting and he wanted to end it.He wanted to take her in his strong,able arms and comfort her ; to tell her that it would be okay.But that was not to be- he was gone far beyond that.She was struggling underneath him with diminishing strength but exponentially increasing hate and energy.He did not want that from her- he was there to give her all the love he could and to have someone who would actually need and love him back precisely like he wanted.As the chants outside increased in intensity and frenzy,his entire being was overtaken by the desire to possess her,to have her right there and then.So he continued until she was drained of all her resolve and strength,and he of his fury and rage like that of a serpent.And minutes later as he looked at her torn and traumatised body,he felt the demons of that irresistible anger returning to him,like stones projected into a wasp’s nest.Totally at his wit’s end,afterwards he took her outside in his arms and cried for help.Then came the sobbing and shaking,until he fell down beside her,dizzy and nauseous.

Subrato was feeling sick again,exactly as he did that night.Sick to the core and overwhelmed by a searing sense of hopelessness.Was she even coming ?

 

 

Zara

 

Zara did a twirl ,hugged the mulberry tree she had come to know like her own self and made a dash for the door,crushing the particularly juicy mulberries fallen down from the tree.A tangy,fruity smell wafting on the gentle breeze punctuated the serene and vaguely nostalgic silence pervading her being.

“Naaz ! Khaala !! Sam !! Sammie !! ” She knocked the door relentlessly until she could hear Naaz shouting back in her cranky,shrill and simultaneously cute voice.She allowed herself a grin before Naaz came down and opened the door.

” Where is Khaala Jaan ? Are my bags ready ? Did Kabir call ? And,why,for the love of all that is serene,are you dressed in my Kurti ??” , Zara rushed through shooting the queries as she grabbed a glass from the dining table and filled it with water.

Naaz made a face.” There’s no more Rooh-Afzah in the bottle.And I took the Kurti because you still owe me my five takas,not that anyone as fat as you should care about it.Also,don’t you ever presume that i am sitting here to answer your silly questions,unless you have a mind to pay me double of what you are to.”

“Sweetheart,that’s exactly what you are doing- sitting here and answering my questions”, Zara winked at her half-sister.”And we both know that this is the highlight of your otherwise boring,cramped days.So you might as well drop the pretence of hating it.”

” You are more of a dumbster than i thought,Zapa,and of course i hate you and your stupid questions.And your stupid trip.” Naaz retorted but hung her head down.

“Aww….my princess is sad because i am going away for a while ? C’mon,tsk tsk bachche,i will be back before you know it and the next time it happens,you will come with me.” Zara smiled.

” Oooh,like i care ! “, Naaz rolled her eyes,now rummaging through Zara’s purse for loose change or candies.

” I know you don’t,madame.So come on here and run this errand for me,or for the combo coupons for Kareem’s somebody will get and cares deeply about”, Zara took out a book from her bookshelf and handed it to Naaz.” Go and give it to Azaan Bhaijaan.And tell him that i will be back for the rehearsals from the next week.Take care not to die on the way or to drop the book.Neither is interesting enough,take my word on that.”

” Why ? Gone..with…the….”,Naaz was trying to read the name of the book aloud when she stumbled upon a nailclipper tucked neatly between two median pages.” Zapa ! You forgot your clipper in the book.”

Zara turned back from her shelf and smiled again ” No,I didn’t.Now go !! ”

When Naaz was gone after giving her a weird look like she was more insane than her sister gave her credit for,Zara closed her eyes and tried to visualize the disarming cuteness on Azaan’s face when he came down to her in the middle of the rehearsals for Shylock : The other side of Venice, asking her if she could clip his nails.On being probed,he blushed and admitted that it was his Ammi who still clipped his nails at home.Zara had a hard time trying not to smile for hours afterwards at this adorable facet of his personality which he kept concealed beneath his handsome,rugged face and rough,isolated exterior.It was actually funny to see him writing the fabulous,deep-meaning scripts and helping the actors in acting their parts out but running away on the very suggestion of being a part of the act himself.Zara was the only person he opened himself to or at least that’s how she liked to think it was.And if she was right about her speculations,Zara had to do her part in making him say what both of them wanted him to say.But that could wait,she reminded herself ! She had to be at the railway station by 8.And that was when she got the panic attack about packing and leaving which she was waiting for since morning,making her run to look out for Tamreen Khaala.

 

*  *  *       *  *  *

Zara was always wary of these little crafty and sinister looking boats dotting the immense,endless expanse of River Hooghly ever since she was a child.All the physics and logic put apart,why do these heavy,dilapidated and oddly shaped blocks of wood even float on water ? What if they suddenly refused to follow the rules and decided to go down the mind-boggling depths of the river just to see what it is like inside ? Can they do that ? And what is it really like inside,beneath this facade of an infinite watery wall ? Trying to picturize the answers gave her goosebumps even as she took her first step forward to get on the boat and she had to chide herself mentally to stop doing that.Once she had settled down she tried to divert her thoughts and let the mental blockage of  a different part of her brain go down. The countless hide and seek games she had played during the long-drawn and lazy summer evenings,running,hiding and seeking across the entire Basu Lane; the guffaws and giggles,and the furious screams on her part which ensued when one of the aunties gave her hiding place away to the “it” in the game ;  the sweet and heavenly Malpuas which Bannerji Da got especially prepared for her on Sundays,the mirth and bliss in the street when Durga Puja came along and Maasi maa would come down with Shamoli Di to invite them for the celebrations; the fishing trips she and her classmates undertook after bunking their half-day classes on Saturdays,the fierce yet friendly feuds which commenced when the children came out with and compared their Idees on the sun-kissed days of Id, and the colourful kite-flying contests on the first day of the new year where she did nothing but shout and hoot for others but was thrilled to the core nevertheless……so many years,so many faces,so many colours……and the sadness which eclipsed all of them when she had to leave the only world she belonged to and go to Dhaka.Zara sighed and shifted in her seat as the raindrops started to make the river shimmer and glisten.

 

…………………………………………………..

 

 

 

Subrato could see the boat from a distance through the mist of the torrent and uncertainty,and found himself restless as the bow touched and backed off a bit from the bank.He almost ran down the steps,or at least ran as fast as his age and grace would permit.When the tall,shapely and majorly soaking girl got out of the boat,all smiles and beauty in the moonlight,he knew it was all worth it.

Zara stood a few steps away from him for seconds,observing him closely and then ran for a hug.

He embraced her with open arms and heart and warmth he never had for his own self.A hug is all it takes then,to be alive ; to be human again,however transiently,he pondered.

” Aye ki, Dada ? Why did you have to age for both of us ? ” Zara chuckled.

” Bas bas,haan, tumi nijeke bodlate okkhom ! Ask anyone in the Basu Lane and they will tell you who is fit enough to play the mother to me or Maa even !” Subrato gave her a gentle pat on the back.” And how did you cover the entire stretch of your journey on this Dhingy without jumping into the river or stabbing the manjhi ?”

” I have grown up,over and beyond your shoulder and imagination,Dada.”

” Well,i guess that explains these thirty or so knots in your stole,which i must point out,you work on only when you are studying or something and NOT nervous ! ” Subrato felt a vaguely familiar sensation rushing through his face.Was it a smile ?

” I would have said that the jibe was funny if only it were not a) targetted at me and,b) made while i stand in the rain,welcoming cold and fever like i am to meet them after ages as well !” Zara took hold of his hand and dragged him along.” Will we get an auto on the road ? How are the people at home ? Maasi Maa ? Shamoli Di ? Hori Da ? ”

 

 

* * *    * * *

Next morning,when Subrato went to her room to give Zara tea and breakfast,it was raining again.He hesitated and lingered.Finally,he sat down on the bed near her as she was trying to drive the final vestiges of sleep away from her eyes,sipping the tea contentedly.

” Zara ,let me ask you something straight away.Do you really know why are you here ?” He asked her pointedly after a minute or two of absolute calm.

“It’s about my fees and scholarships,isnt it ? Now that my graduation is almost done,i won’t be getting any of them from you.” She was slightly surprised at the dummy question.

” Actually,I’m afraid it’s more than that.” Subrato mustered all the courage he could and looked straight into her exactly same blue eyes.” Zara,you do know what these people say about me and your Ammi,don’t you?”

Zara held her breath and waited,suddenly tense and uncomfortable in the small,moribund room.

” Ambiguous morality is a slippery slope,Bachche.And no one can attest to the validity of that more than me.No matter how base a crime or people’s perception of it is,one can always justify it at the end of the day.That’s how humanity survives and evolves.They will condemn what they can’t or need not do,but will slay their own kind and morality the moment they see the slightest sign of the act serving any purpose for them.And then they have their own system of comparing and rating crimes and punishments as if the reins of reality and righteousness have been bestowed unto them because they are in a time-warp where they have never fallen themselves.Our follies and instincts,however,unlike people,are not biased.To say,a rain of fire-and-brimstone falls alike on the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter.” Subrato was gazing outside the window,in an increasingly obvious attempt to make them both less ill at ease.

” They teach you to shoot for the stars,but will rip your heart out the instant they know that the stars in question lie beyond the frame of the social convention and decree.I never denied what transpired between your Ammi and me,but to you.For you.Through all these years of my miserable existence,i have clinged onto that single,painfully fragile thread of hope that Aafreen would have forgiven me someday and that i would be half the father i wanted to be to you.God knows i do not claim myself victim of the accusation and guilt which is my life now.I chose that path willingly and they are but the shadows of the temptation i consorted with.But if there’s one explanation i want you to understand it would be love.Love that,as far as i see,never fell from its grace,before and after.I never stopped loving her,and i refuse to give one moment of weakness the power to do that to me.I can not let that happen ; that would be the death of me.And i don’t want to leave you alone and bitter in the world.The humiliating,onerous ordeal which has been the last nine years of your life have taught you to hide everything behind your smile,and that’s the worse i could have done to my daughter.I can not let that be.” , He turned his gaze to Zara,who had suddenly developed an acute interest in the concentric circles drawn on the bed-sheet,with a lost,intense expression on her face, a single teardrop punctuating it.

He continued,” These people whom you call family and who think they really have got your best interests at heart did not think twice before talking in whispers what could have torn you apart,and in fact making sure you came across those whispers every now and then.Tell me Zara,do you really feel at home there when these people treat you like a freak,broken deity or call your father a rapist behind his back ? Does Mohseen even know the colour of his step-daughter’s eyes or hair ? Don’t you feel like you are always treading the edge of a sword,which might trip on the slightest provocation and take you down with it ?”

Zara did not answer.

” It all ends here.You will not return to Dhaka.I will arrange for your belongings to be delivered here.You are my daughter and i will have you so; in the family,where you belong.”

No answer.

Subrato got up to leave.

“I never heard Ammi say anything bad about you.And she would not have been ashamed of me,if she were alive.I can feel it,Da ! ” Zara finally looked at him.

Subrato,taken aback for a moment,composed himself,smiled and left the room.

 

 

 

 

 

Zara dropped the coin into the slot,and dialled a number. Naaz’s sullen face flashed in her mind,anxiously waiting for her call.

” The number you have dialled does not exist.Please check the number and dial again.” A modulated voice declared after a beep.

Zara looked at the keypad again.She had promised Naaz that she would be back within a week,had she not?

“Close pent-up guilts, Rive your concealing continents, and cry these dreadful summoners grace. I am a man more sinn’d against than sinning…”

Serenade

“And let the night be mine.Be there at eight.”

Nnaina read the text for the nth time,careful not to accidentally tap the reply/call tab,savouring the words written and unwritten,feelings clear and fluid and,dreams and images intended,unimplied.She knew she was going overboard for a date which was,as her best friend Shayana had put it rolling her eyes all the time,”too fickle,too soon”.But whats a girl supposed to do if the aforementioned date is “too handsome,too dreamy” as well ? Well,for one,going all topsy turvy with the rush,the ecstasy suits most of the mortals,which was exactly what she was doing.Love is a sadist bitch with all sorts of baits and hues; the choice of the lethal weapon is yours.Or so you tend to think.Going about that,crushes are two bitches and a half.You don’t know where do you exactly stand in the game,you can not see the entire picture as you don’t know the person that well,and your heart conspires with your otherwise sane mind to interpret every random sign as the one conveying soul-touching,universe-shattering love of the times.And doubly damned be the soul which starts feeding on the vagaries of the game,relishing the haunting sweetness ! But then uncertainty is the torch bearer of the human mind and evolution thereof,the elixir of all the hearts romantic and maverick.Evidently Nnaina was getting too high on the thing.This was made obvious by the chiming of the Little Red Riding Hood wallclock as she looked whimsically out of the window,singing a lovey dovey number,building all sort of imageries and chimera along the lyrics that floated around and shrouded her thrilled being.

“High as Hell !! God,its seven already and the best part of whatever make up and stuff i can use would make me,considering the time i have been left with,a chirpy raccoon !! Great look for a first date! Oh,why did i sleep till afternoon ?” She started talking to herself like she always did when she was nervous or pissed off with herself.”Oh yeah,because that stupid doctor of mine could not wait for a day to call me up and i had to switch off my cell,my TV and the lights so that i could steal a nap before what would hopefully be the best night out ever for me !! And that reminds me,i forgot to call ma.Crap !! ” As she rushed to the washroom,she made a mental note to call her mother on the way to the auto stand and get her electricity bills sorted out and paid the very next morning.

Twenty minutes later,she made a run for the nearest stand,quickly checking herself all over,and consequently adding to the number of lecherous passers-by already ogling at her.”Thank you,humanity.My faith in your penchant for beauty is restored.” She muttered under her breath,secretly enjoying the attention her blue dress coupled with the denim jacket,black boots and a right hunk of jewelry was drawing towards her.After she had hung up on her mother,making sure she was okay and pleased with the doctored list of marriage prospects Nnaina put up before her,she thought of her long gone father and what her marriage meant to him ; mostly redemption.Like someone caught in a war with themselves,she could still remember the helplessness,the temptations,the threats and seductions of the great indian arranged marriage.Thank God,the phase was over and she was done with her education as well,which at least allowed her ample time to choose her partner at her own pace and to enjoy her piece of mind as much as she wanted.However,peace had not come to her at easy terms.Her mother had been a constant worry,and a constant reminder of her father’s wishes.Her health and mood swings kept Nnaina occupied most of the times,that is after she was through with her own ceaseless reminiscences and endless dreams.Her hangouts with friends were luxury and so were the occasional interactions she had with guys whom she met online.Ayan was the latest,the handsomest and the closest to the perfect man a guy could get to.He was funny,sensible,rational,intellectual and well placed in his life and career.Most importantly,he could sing to her with equal panache in three different languages.How sexier can you get than that ?

Ayan had admitted to sharing most of her dreams and fantasies and eventually promised to make at least one of them come true the first time they would meet.The blaring horns and the buzz of the ongoing traffic made the contrast between his words ringing in her ears and the eerie realisation that they were coming true sharp.This was 15th of December,Ayan’s birthday and the night of her dream date.”Don’t you worry Princesse,nothing can get worse now.At least not as much as yourself ! It would be your night,and hence,mine.” Ayan had grinned into his phone the night before.Nnaina sneaked her head out of the rushing auto and was about to burst into a song when she realized what havoc the winds of winter must be unleashing on her precious hair and quickly ducked her head inside,drawing the inevitable “nuts” look from the driver.She chose to ignore him and called Ayan.

Half an hour and one good,lingering queer look from the auto driver later,she was in Ayan’s car heading towards the Niladri spur and the surrounding ridges.The mountains,the lovely dreamy,wintry mountains! How lucky she was to have Ayan,winter and the mountains with her this very night !! When they reached the intended place,Ayan stopped the car,smiled,got out and opened the door for her,holding it,while she struggled with picking up her dress and paraphernalia.

The first thing she noticed as Nnaina got out of the car was the moon.The sad,wan and yet enchanting moon.The legacy of days and stories gone by,the memoir of people and sagas of love to reckon with,the serene personification of nature and the beyond.Half-veiled in clouds and night,it spoke volumes and sung wordless ballads,all the while being the epitome of silence and beauty.The night gathering mist and stillness from the sepulchre of the evening,and the  trees.The trees along the ridges,mimicking some visage from a war or feast,brought alive from the annals of history.All of this masked in the ever varying shades and touches of winter she so loved.

And Ayan.Melodies,mirages and all that is exquisite.All that matters,all that hurts,all that is unreal.She looked at his beaming face and then again at the hills.Should not this be a sin somehow ? To be this happy when people back there are suffering and dying every single moment.This shouldn’t be real.Perfection is only a lighter shade of deception.She just had to look out for the flaw,and put her finger on it.But looking again at Ayan,she lost track of whatever she was thinking and shrugged her head.

“So,shall we,Princesse ? ” ,Ayan seemed to be asking her the question for quite a while,judging by the look in his deeply haunting eyes and a suppressed smile playing on his lips.

“Yeah,sure.So,what is it ? A cottage ? A Pagoda ? “, Nnaina smiled and started walking in steps with him.

” How about a combination of the two ? Kidding,its a Zupada.Or at least that’s what the natives call these huts.” ,Ayan told her.” Just wrap your shawl around.These Banjaras are not used to people from the town.The more you blend in,the gentler they would be with us.Unless,of course,you want to spend the night outdoors,which i would not suggest at this time of the year,particularly when you are alone.”

Nnaina looked daggers at him ” If you want me to shout and scream for suggesting that you might desert me for the night,forget it.I ain’t buying that crap.If you didn’t check in the mirror before heading out,Mr Nanda,let me tell you what’s written large on every bit of your face ! LOVE !! Beat that !! ”

Ayan laughed a reverberant laugh “Thank the stars above you can read that.I have been called a great many names because of the alleged inability to comprehend the word until i met you,madame.”

“Ditto here.So,is that it ? ” Nnaina stopped as she saw a cluster of huts forming a circle in front of them.

“Yeah,pretty much yes.Not so comfy-looking or what,Princesse ? Ayan took her hands in his own.

” I wasn’t expecting a Hilton anyway.I wanted to taste this way of living long since.Lets go for it ” She looked in his eyes,touching and cuddling his soul without touching.

Afterwards Nnaina watched Ayan,entranced,as he talked to the Banjaras in words and gestures which made them go all abuzz with mirth and sincere curiosity.Like a magnet inducing ripples of force in the scraps of iron in its vicinity,Ayan was joy.And warmth.A woman in a heavily embroidered Ghagra and something called kanchalli brought specially flavoured warm almond milk for both of them,asking them to join them in their festivities around the bonfire they had built for the night.When she looked around for Ayan,he was a human train with a bunch of jubilant kids hanging onto him.Smiling and crossing her fingers,she walked to the fire with the women.

Sitting across the bonfire,Nnaina and Ayan spoke to each other in words,stolen glances and deliberate,tender touches.She told him about the dreams she had since her childhood,about how she was fascinated by the beauty of fire and by the intrigue in grief,how she thought most people around her took things way too seriously without pausing to look at things which actually mean something and how she had needed an escape from herself and the sickening love of her family until he came along.He told her about how he loved it when his mother would scold him for spending too much of his time and money on her,which all movies he had watched thrice or more,why he thought girls proposing to boys would be a better idea in the dating protocol and why he still loved and re-read The Lord of The Rings.And when they sang aloud the lyrics of the song ” Hume tum se Pyar kitna……” together,Nnaina silently thanked her father for leaving her and her ma alone,immediately feeling a spasm of cold guilt surging through her.After they had their dinner in batis,daliya and saloi and a multitude of fruits and nuts amidst ethereal singing and a beautiful Lambadi dance by their hosts,they set out for a brief walk.

“So,did you like it,Princesse ? ” Ayan asked her as they walked slowly,drinking the charms of the night and the unearthly,plaintive silence.

” What ? The people ? They are angelic.I loved them.”

“You think you are very good at avoiding questions,don’t you ? We both know the answer could include something else.”

” Like ?”, Nnaina asked playfully.A moment later as she looked into his eyes,she knew it was a mistake.She could not bluff or play around while he looked at her like that.”Oh okay…..yeah….you….this..whole…whatever……”

“You know that’s not working on me,girl !” He flashed a brief smile. ” Come clean about it and we might call it a night sooner.”

Nnaina stood speechless,all her smartass comments and comebacks visibly lost in the fog of the marvel standing in front of her.

“You know Nnaina,i could have proposed to you if only i had any other possibility in my mind.In the world i am,you have already said yes a zillion times over and i don’t care how crazy that sounds but i have rejected any other variant of reality.” Ayan got down on his knees and this was the instant the drizzling started,almost completing the magical aura around the hills.” And i know its a bit too fast for anyone,but tell me i am not alone in this and that would be it.I would rather die with my dream chasing you,than nurture a world and existence which i can’t ever deem real.You feel like a part of me now,a part i didn’t even know i was missing.So,tell me Nnaina,do you allow me to get the part back to where it belongs ? Tell me if you want the moon to remember the night we became one for eternity,to make these hills testimony to what i already know deep within.Will you be mine,forever and ever ?”

A beautiful drop of tear rolled down Nnaina’s eyes as she choked on that single word.”Ye….s !!”

“Oh,what,hey….was it that cheesy ? ” Ayan teased her.

“Shut up,you wicked wicked thing !! ” Nnaina tried to make for his hair,but was caught by Ayan in mid-air.And as he lowered her to the glacial ground,their lips met,the warmth of it encompassing her body and psyche against the frosty ambience of the hills around them.In that one single kiss,Nnaina could taste aeons of love,wanting somebody and not getting enough of them,of desires and promises all the human race could ever conceive of and the taste of a place where she belonged.The rain continued to drench them outside,as the conflagration of love burned and consumed what were their individual identities hitherto,marking them one.

Nnaina could only vaguely remember how Ayan had carried her back to the Zupada assigned to them shortly afterwards,and the delicate,supernal way in which he had made love to her.It was her first and she could vouch for the fact that the feeling that came with it was the stuff magic was made up of.

Next day,dawn welcomed her sleepy self back to a world which had suddenly become the very reflection of beauty.As they bid their hasty farewells to the Banjaras and even after Ayan dropped her at her own place,Nnaina could not help but relive the night before in her mind again and again,until the images turned into words and vice-versa.

When she reached her doorstep,she saw a package lying there.It was from her doctor.”So the Bitch could not even wait for a day ? Thank God i wasn’t here the last night.”She grumbled to herself as she unlocked the door and entered her flat.Grabbing her laptop,she settled down on her couch and logged into her facebook account.After tending to the notifications,she decided to have a look at Ayan’s profile,but stopped in the middle of it,picking up the report instead.

As she read through words like “family care”,” degenerating” and “Dementia praecox”,she clicked at Ayan’s profile with the other hand.The first post on his wall read :

You were the best of what a friend can be.We will miss you.RIP.

Like. Comment. 8 Days ago.

Rage,pain and determination flashed in her hazy eyes,as she threw the laptop away and like a lunatic,looking at his only means of escape dashed to close all the windows and doors.By the time she was done with the last window,she broke down and was all sobs and muffled screams.

A month later,as the cops took the body away,a lady in the crowd gathered remarked icily ” She didnt even think of the child,did she ? “.

Soulmate

As the bus took a turn,groaning obscenely and lending a treacherous jerk to the sleepy passengers at the back,Soham woke up and looked outside.And immediately felt glad for the dilapidated state of the bus which had him on tenterhooks and regretting his decision to go out when his car was out for service for the entire first fifteen minutes after he had boarded it reluctantly.Through the missing glass in the unequally divided panes of the window,rain was coming inside.August rain-gray,heavy,stealthy and surreally sweet.The small streams starting from somewhere on the roof of the bus lingered and meandered against the window,while the tangential showers from the rich,gloomy sky lashed against the entire length of it.Soham hesitated,smiled a smile he never thought he could and extended his hand outside the window,as if still in a dream.The raindrops and the roaring wind that carried them drenched him and he felt his instantly overjoyed being sweep over his gloom and crankiness for the moment.As long as his world had pleasures like this and beauty such as was evident outside,he could live through all the madness that came his way and threatened to tear his life and vitality apart.As long as he could just go on wandering along sitting in the bus and breathing in the sheer euphoria such apparently insignificant torrents brought him,he could forget all he was and all the world had made out of him.He could forget why in seven hells and how much he loved Swayam and why he was visibly petrified of his own affections towards him now.Letting his mind wander,he relaxed and silently reflected as a memory came over him unawares.

Swayam,who had always been there for him since his college years.Swayam,who was the only one he could think of whenever he felt that the world was falling onto him,trapping him in a merciless abyss.Swayam,who had stood up for him when his own family had turned away from him after the disgrace he had brought them by failing in his three consecutive majors in a single year.Swayam who always urged him to stand up and fight the world like the devil he could and should be.But thats precisely was what Swayam was wrong about.Soham could never hurt somebody,could never fight back unless it was the only way out.He had always needed a saviour, a mentor,a soulmate.And he got exactly that in Swayam.Or at least thats what he thought until the night all hell broke loose and he was left bereft of what could have been his reason of existence.He recalled how elated he had been the day they both had decided to formalise their relationship.They had gone to the KFC at the corner of their college campus and talked and dreamed of nonsense,of things they would do together on their 25th and 50th and nth anniversaries,of the fights they would have over bills and household chores and the way both of them would wake each other up in the mornings.Soham never could come to terms with this amazing beautiful dream which his life was to become soon,with the fact that the only person he wanted more than himself would be exclusively his.He prayed,he relished,he shuddered.And it was all as good as it could have been until they had been together for two years.

The first time Soham noticed something was wrong was the day he had an unusually long talk with his friend Ayush,who was upset over his professional losses.The moment he put down the phone and turned around he saw something strange in Swayam’s eyes,as if to him, Soham was hiding some trifle part of himself and he was wondering whether to forgive him for that or not .It flashed there only for a moment or two and then it was gone.But for Soham it was as good as an unflickering,cold stare which got burned into the very vitals of his mind.As they made love afterwards and Swayam’s fingers dug into and seared his back in an intense fit of passion,a queer,involuntary tremor passed through him.The searing sensation that burned through his skin had always been animalistic and orgasmic for him,but that very night it felt wrong somehow,tinged with an odd extreme of possession,with a desire to hurt and dominate,to take charge.He could have been wrong for all he knew,but in retrospect he wasn’t.And it got only worse from there.

Swayam continued to be an enigma for him.Soham’s very notion that he knew his soulmate in and out and could predict what he would say or do before he even thought of it himself went for a toss.Apparently completing each other’s sentences and laughing together exactly at the same point in a cheesy joke was not good enough.Swayam turned recluse as the days went by and then violently possessive.This was all fine with Soham until his love started existing and living through him,setting up his own life and psyche around his mate’s.He would follow him around wherever he went,call him incessantly whenever he could not.Unfortunately the whole facade which Swayam was putting up so seemed sweet and soulful to Soham in the initial days.That all changed when Swayam’s whims gradually transformed from being amorously possessive to evidently controlling and abusive.He would ask Soham to not to talk to people he didn’t want him talking to,to not to meet and linger around specific guys whenever they went to parties and to pick up every single call of his,which continued to escalate in number and frequency when they were not together.An unwarranted row with Ayush over why he would take Soham to dinner when Swayam was home was the final straw.Soham having had endured enough of his nasty mood swings confronted Swayam as to what exactly was wrong with him and how he,of all the people,could turn into the miserable creature he had become.His words,and more than that,the naked truth in them incensed swayam’s ego and rage no end and his hurt,anger and the love for his love came out in spurts of his vitriolic catharsis.And then Soham knew.The fear….the raw,smarting fear to lose him,the insecurity,the pain…..God,how could Swayam even have thought of horrible things like that ! Being way too handsome than his partner was no fault of his and was something he could do nothing about.And being a Muslim by birth was no indicator of his fidelity and commitment towards a gay relationship,or the lack thereof.Just because he had become professionally independent and relatively mature and stable in his thought processes or needed his virgin moments of fire-gazing now and then,it was not that he didn’t need Swayam.He needed him like he needed his own soul and breathing,like his own existence,like his music and punching bag which he could not do without.He needed him more than himself.And he could never get him now.It was too late….Swayam had gone too far without him and onto a path which rendered return possible only if company was sacrificed for wretched solitude.Nevertheless,he hugged Swayam fiercely and comforted him,taking his head in his lap until he went to sleep,sobbing and muttering things which tore Soham apart over and over again.And then after Swayam was asleep,he broke down and cried like the child who is lost in some crowd,but would not seek help out of fear.

When morning came,it was like nothing had changed and Swayam made sure that that was the truth indeed.Soham recalled with vaguely detached and cold dread the night they broke up.It was some birthday party of a friend of theirs.After being through with more than twice of his usual share of wine,Swayam had come to him-maudlin,hammered beyond senses and with a guy in his arms.As he bent down and kissed Soham almost desperately,he mumbled something along the lines of “…….it hurts…your love…but never you dare let me go…i….” and went off with the guy,lust for Swayam writ large in the asshole’s eyes.It was as if the moment he let Swayam’s hand slide out of and away from his hands was the moment he let him go.He could no longer subject the person he loved to death to the torment he was going through.No words could soothe him,no talks or measures could salvage their relationship now.He could fight all the bitches and blues of world for Swayam,but how could he fight what he himself was.Let the blame rest on him now and let Swayam think it was he who called the shots.Let him be blessed and that was all he could save out of this disaster.Hurt and loss carving vistas and memories,known and unknown,in his mind, leeched him of his sense of being alive and a part of him died deep within as he left Swayam and went out of the party.

Life was never the same,thereafter.Like smears of ink spread apart and broken on account of intrinsic tension,they both longed to touch and dissolve into each other even after what all had happened,but neither of them like the goddessbedamned ink drops knew where to gravitate towards and how to cover the trail left gaping and undone between them.Except for one brief,furious,stolen kiss when they met to sort out the finality of separation,they were as good as awkward strangers trying to be nonchalantly polite ( or sometimes overtly hateful) to each other.There is no distance on Earth as far as yesterday,they say,and it could have been tailor-made for his own life,for all Soham knew.Sometimes moving on is not an alternative but the only thread which binds you to sanity and nobody loves anybody more than themselves.And so Soham realised,reminisced and retrieved the best of himself out of the agony.Correcting all the grammar in his love letters was a painful task,but he persevered.

Two years since then,he had arrived.Or arrived and recovered as much as he could.Nobody gets to live their life backwards and forgotten memories tell you there’s still time for you to create new ones.If somebody out there was made for him,destined to be his lifemate,let the bloody fate work out all the conspiracies; let his love chase him around.He was done with romance and he shall not have any more of a love which does nothing but sits back and gladly stabs him in the back when it reaches its crescendo.Love,unlike life,had been no friend of his.Nonetheless,cajoled and bugged by his friends and interested suitors alike,once he had landed himself in a secure and comfortable position in the professional arena,he did join a dating site and started going back to the parties he had avoided.But love would remain a forbidden territory, a long forgotten song whose lyrics serve no purpose but to irritate the listener.

And this is why he was here,going to meet a guy who he had decided to check out after what seemed like an aeon to him.His last date had been a disaster with an emotional baggage as big as his glum,stupid face.Archie,if nothing else,would at least save his weekend from turning into a long drawn boredom trip.That was something he was sure of.Just because the guy seemed such a maverick imp.And visibly handsome too.

As the bus screeched and slowed down to a lethargic halt and Soham got off directly into the heavy downpour,he rummaged his pockets to take out his phone.Cupping his hands to save the phone from getting wet,he dialled Archie’s number.And got a busy tone ! Sweet mother of Gods ! Of all the times he could have been talking nonsense over a call,this idiot had to choose this very instant.Sighing wearily and taking a deep breath,he started walking towards Eclat,the restaurant they both had agreed upon for the meet after rejecting other,less plausible options like the Moon or river Amazon.Once he reached the place and got himself settled comfortably in the warm,cosy feel of the interior,he ordered an espresso and took out his phone to reply to some of the texts left unread.When he was about to finish his coffee,he saw Archie rush in.Wet,impetuous and smug.Always smug.He had all the time and reasons in the world to be smug,Soham thought.

“You Monsieur Donut,” Archie exclaimed with a grin.”I never knew you would be so fickle as to desert me for your goddamned coffee,or are there any tall,dark,handsome knights here, lurking in disguise for Your grace ?”

Soham put down his cup on the table and had a lazy,but avid glance all over him.”Hardly.And we can only desert people when we have been with them for some time,which,unfortunately,is a tad difficult if the said people keep their phones busy at the precise moment you call them.”

“Well,if you think i was enjoying talking to somebody just for the sheer fun of it,while standing in the rain AND waiting for you,i would rather let you think that”.Archie said,as they shook hands.He slid a chair out from a nearby table and sat down contentedly.”Its no use telling a dragon why you woke him when he is about to eat you up anyway.”

“That.is.not.our.table.you see.!! ” Soham,evidently mortified,blurted out.

“What,I never took the table away,” Archie shrugged his shoulders,feigning ignorance.”Besides,helping the staff here in their mandate would be pleasantly altruistic but wont take you far if you have the remotest intentions of getting laid sometime.And i can safely assume that it has been ages since your last time.”

“Spare me your zealous speculations.I would rather we discuss something which wont get me thrown out of here before the evening is done,”Soham pointed out tersely and handed the menu to Archie.

While Archie was going through the things on the menu,Soham looked at him and realised a strange,bumpy sensation passing through his body.Desire.Desire to possess.Beauty that hurts,beauty that makes you want to do things.In a Black Sabbath Tee with his loose,spiky hair and a cute,wickedly childish smile,Archie was beauty.And cuteness.Something to cherish,something to get drowned in.After they had ordered their pasta,wine and chocolate chip cake,he looked up at Soham and it was then that he saw how absolutely gorgeous and deeply expressive his eyes were.

“So,how is your little Angelic ex doing ? Or more importantly how are you doing without his divine love ? “, Archie asked nonchalantly,though Soham could see his eyes betray a hint of slightest genuine and patient concern.”Or will that be exes,if it please you ?”

“It don’t please me.And it has been ages since i moved away,apart and on,Archie.This is known”,Soham interjected.”Or else,I am a veteran casanova,here to take you for a ride.”

“I can very well do with some riding.”Archie smirked.”And don’t go on pretending you are through with the ever so lovely prologue which is your past if you are clearly not.Sweet is the memory of the past troubles,and to you they seem sweeter still,i hazard.But let me tell you this,no-effing-body is rich enough to buy back his past.And as long as you are reluctant to wipe your slate clean,all you would have with you are stars of words with some charming darkness all around.”

“And how i love dark knights and darker lives would be your next conjecture,i presume,” Soham tried to put a bit of acid into the words but the fact that he was staring like a dork at Archie’s face hardly helped.

“See,Soham,its completely okay to carry bits and parts of your past into your future as long as they are nothing more than a handy source of happiness and insights.There’s no meaning left to yourself if you try to take any part of yourself away,be it your past or your desires.The sooner you learn how to love yourself more than your past,the better it will be.More so for your sex-deprived psyche.”

“So the best motivation you could come up with is few hot,delicious hours of love making ?,” Soham raised his eyebrow,smiling.

“Now did I say anything about the sex being “hot” ? And hey, how the fuck did you do that ? Raising an eyebrow ? I always thought it was cool when people did it.”Archie said as he struggled in vain to manoeuvre his eyebrows.

“Try and see if your recurrent orgasms are of any help,” Soham laughed aloud.

Later on, after he had taught him how to go on about the task,they started their dinner.The more Soham talked to him the more he realised how apt a foil Archie was to him.His passion for soccer,anime,history,dance and books   nowhere did intersect with the things in his domain of interest.Yet,when Archie talked about his favourite science fiction novels or about the thrill of a long awaited game of soccer,he was drawn in.He wanted to know about the people at the firm he worked in,about what he thought of the cliches in movies or of the hype attached with most of the political happenings,about what he liked in people and what he loved to hate.Worse still,he wanted to hold him in his arms,to run his calloused fingers through his soft,inviting hairs,to claim him as his own,for the night,forever.When he was coming for the date,love had been a overrated thing of inconvenience and the maximum he had hoped for was an interesting evening.Suddenly,it thrummed alive in his veins and mind.Surely the rains were to be blamed- the dark harbingers of longings and fatal,hammerheaded stupidity.But if pining for something,or someone,which brought such exultation to him was stupidity,let the wisdom rest with the stronger built souls in the world.His would be ignorance and stupidity and foolishness.To love again,to want someone,to do everything to get him.And this time around ,he had nothing to lose.This realisation and a new found determination brought him to such levels of ecstasy that after they had finished their dessert,he tipped the waiter with almost 60 % of his bill and walked out of the restaurant,trailing Archie with a perky monsoon number on his lips.

When they reached the parking lot,Soham sat down for a bit in his car and smiled.

“What,i am not having an all-nighter in my car,” Archie exclaimed.”Besides as much as i love to talk about sex,it’s not about sex with everyone !!”

“Will it be hard for you to accept the fact that sometimes people can be driven by motives nobler than sex ?” Soham asked,no longer trying to suppress the smile playing on his lips.

” Very hard,” said Archie as he donned his seat belt and smiled.

“Never you mind that.Just listen to me.Is it too late to claim that i might have fallen for you ?”

“Nopes,” said Archie.”Its only ten by my watch.But do you realize that it might be too early to say that or i might be the worst person to say it to ?”

“If i am falling for you,you,of all the people would be the most apt to say it to i guess.” Said Soham,as he got a bit closer to Archie.

“Listen,you know how much of a social reject and son of devil i am,and what you know about me is not even half of the skeletons i have in my closet.I used to do and deal in drugs once,thanks to the crappy parenting and wanton impulses i had,i am already dating two guys,one of which i have developed a well to do equation with and i suck at getting and keeping a job.It would be embarrassing to admit that in spite of your overly sugary persona,i do kind of like you,but i would rather not wager anything on it as of yet.”

The dating part was a blow,but Soham could not back off now.Even if he wanted to,he could not let Archie and what all he represented go.That would be insulting the very person in his face who gave your life twice to you.”I never gave two hoots to skeletons,anyway.And how you fare with your job-keeping skills is no business of my heart.As for your eager suitors,shall we just say your true Knight with his spurs has arrived and he would love a bit of jousting with his competitors now and then ?”

“May be.But i love my knights wild and daring,” Archie winked.And before he could come up with some other smartass comment,Soham leaned in and kissed him.As his lips met Archie’s,he trembled.With desire,with anticipation,with too intense an epiphany.To him Archie tasted of salt,of eternal love,of nostalgia and of home.He devoured his lips hungrily and passionately,like somebody lost in shadows relishes light and warmth once he discovers the meaning in them.His hands caressed and marvelled at Archie’s silky hair and he drew him closer as they both consummated their kiss in utter oblivion of the rain and the world outside.

Two days thence,while talking to Soham,Archie asked him to check out his almost doomed competition and Soham,laughing heartily opened the profiles he mentioned.And once he had clicked on the second profile,he saw Swayam’s carefree face smiling at him.

ADDENDUM :

Soham and Swayam’s theme song

Soham and Archie’s theme song

Scarlet

” Dhruv,i reckon the paper is particularly tough on your patience,isn’t it ? Would you like a breather ? The morning outside seems fine enough.Please do not bother about gracing us with your return.Also,be so kind enough as to arrange another amanuensis for Gaurav before you go.He would appreciate the act,won’t you,Gaurav ? ” Pranav announced casually,leafing through a majorly painful practical record book of one of the students.

He didn’t care to look at Dhruv or Gaurav,but knew that they both had turned to their own answer-sheets with frowns which were supposed to emanate coolness or anger,but only made them look stupid and embarrassed.After a minute or two of almost cheerful silence and calm,he called the students for their viva voce.The lab smelled of of formalin,fury and fear.Mostly fear.And that,of all,made Pranav glad.Final semester exams were the only days during which he felt valued,alive and acknowledged by these wretched,halfwit thickheads.Every other day of the academic year was a battle,against the diligent perseverance on the students’ part about questioning his authority and skills and his mounting efforts at trying to be accepted by them and not making a fool of himself.Except for all their shenanigans and airy demeanour,what were these pathetic replicas of each other high on ? He realized that approving his transfer to Delhi in return for the post of HOD he got was a mistake.Now more than ever.His department was an even sorrier mess.There was Mrs. Chawla,who could barely distinguish between her amino acids and sugars but came across as an established pro when it came to setting people up or instructing one and all on her exclusive,sad recipes meant inevitably to turn you into a fat,ugly blob like her own self.And then Ms. Simran who somehow had the boundaries between the words teacher and whore blurred in her mind.But the worst of all was Ayush- a man so low on self-esteem that it was a surprise his own body hadn’t rejected him.He would come down to Pranav with queries which were insulting even for a grade four student,let alone a PGT in one of the top rated schools of Delhi.Pranav could hardly do to hide his rage and impulse of strangling the pest and taking over all his classes,which,considering the time he spent honing the man’s knowledge and spirit,was another extension of his endless duties anyway.Three years down the line,the school and the city were still more of difficult strangers to him; his flat a site of lonely rendezvous with his duties as a divorced father and intoxicating,wild day-dreaming when muggy afternoons overpowered his already battered mind with draining slumps.He was the incompatible organ transplant for his new life.Through the cyclic,ceaseless streams of his thoughts,he saw one of the students approaching his centrally placed desk and brushed the confusion away.

” Abhishek ! Why don’t you sit down and make yourself comfortable ? ” He pointed to a chair lying nearby and smiled.

” Thank you,Sir.” The boy grinned after a guarded pause as he sat down on the chair.

Does this idiot really think i am concerned about his comfort ? Did i smile for way too long ? Pranav nodded and began the viva.

Three minutes and four questions later the boy got up with a fuming expression on his face and was greeted by Pranav’s smiling face as he called for the next student.

After the twenty fifth roll number or so,he was running out of intriguing questions and his forced smiles.However,as he read out the next student’s name,he mentally uncrossed his arms and and adjusted his posture.

She came down to his desk with a pen and her answer-sheet in her hand,her freshly cropped and styled hair tossing in the morning air,like an endless expanse of Casablanca Lilies trying to steal a slumber in the fluffy cushion of

a spring breeze.For the first time in the day,Pranav could look at something and not be bored or irritated.Her sharp facial features and tender,comely body made him uneasy and thoughtful.Only when she raised her eyebrows and addressed him for the second time,did he compose himself.” Yes,of course,sit down,Manyata.”

She did.And that only made it more difficult for him.When she crossed her legs,he got a glimpse of something which seemed wrong and exciting to him at the same time.He had to avert his eyes to an already checked file lest they gave his game away before he could afford it.

” So,Manyata, what portions have you covered well ? ” He asked with a knowing smile. I hope the shirt really does go down well with the jeans or else Shruti will know better than to approve anything i ask her about.

 

She returned his smile with an intensity which was nearly doubled,if it were even possible. ” The first two units,sir.But i have my reasons.”

” I’m sure you do,but do you think they will allow us to include them in your assessment report ? ” Her response had confused him.Did she like anything she saw or was she merely trying to sell her smiles for the passing grades ? Either way,he didn’t mind that.Manyata was his only solace,only motivation,only sincere source and sink of feelings in the perplexing madness of life.She was the one person he genuinely felt for and wanted to have a more meaningful,deeper connection with.The baser instincts which came with the feeling were only the by-products,he rationalized.But did that justify the levels he had stooped to ?  He didn’t want to know,for one ; nor could he afford to.That would cost him his sanity and salvation.

After he was done with asking Manyata questions which he knew she would answer,he gave her the registration verification pro forma document for the next session to fill in her personal details like address,parents’ occupations,phone number et al.Before calling the next student he put on a busy appearance and casually noted down her number on a plain sheet of paper.

Dismissing the students at the end of the stipulated period of three hours was a relief.Pranav thanked them all for their cooperation and wished them luck for the next paper,replacing each word with something more colourful and censored in his mind.Afterwards he collected the answer-sheets and paperwork and rushed out of the lab full with the chattering,sniggering pieces of art.

Down the corridor leading to the girls’ washroom,he stopped in his tracks when he thought he heard a muffled scream.He vacillated and hesitated for a minute and then decided to check on whatever was happening there.God,did he want to go home and call Manyata or something ! He paced slowly,subconsciously holding his breath about the preposterous idea of going into the girls’ washroom.

He opened the door in one swift,silent motion and saw something which made him freeze and gape.Two bodies,wrapped around each other on the floor,writhing and panting in heat and passion,their tongues shoved deep into each other’s mouth,sucking the insides of the oral cavity like their lives depended on it.Manyata and Shruti- the only two people who were keeping the gates of lunacy closed for him.

Before they could realize what had happened or react to it,he jerked the girl away from the coupling and smashed her face into the mirror mocking him.” Bitch !!!!” He roared. The mirror turned red with his own blood,reflecting the ire and tumult in his being.

 

                                                                               

 

Three days later,he got his transfer-cum-dismissal letter while he was getting ready to go to the hospital.He did not know whether to cry or laugh at the taste of freedom.

Smothered

Day 1

 

 

Bhartii

 

 

Bangles.Harlequin green bangles.Aham always said they brought out the best in me.As if looking through the gleaming crystal loops,he could see the shades and faces of my identity unknown to all except him and derived an unearthly pleasure in the act.Like the drops and streamlets of stray water left on a grassy lawn after an october evening rain,the bangles melted and reformed in my mind to show all shapes and hues Aham saw as the aspects and alter-egos which made me who i was- pure,lively,radiant and serene.

The first thing i noticed as i raised my hands to look for my lock in the array of locks hanging along the chain was his enchanted face,gazing intently at me with a guarded enigmatic expression which spoke all languages restrained love was a polyglot of.The way he was looking at me made me realize how clumsy i was with the manoeuvre and how his eyes could find beauty in places wholly mundane and meaningless to the rest of us.Finally when i found my lock,i could not help but look wistfully at the chain which held so many of the locks along its entire length and was more than a merger of ordinary and the symbolic,of tangible and the spiritual.We were at the doorway of the Dargah,and i could already feel the waves of absolute peace and piety which cut you off from rest of the world leading to a trance almost painful and majorly exotic.

Six months ago i had asked for a wish,cuddling it safely in my tears and the lock i had put on the chain the last time i had been here and now that the dream was standing beside me,i was here to take the souvenir of the blessing back home.As we walked to the inner courtyard,we played our silly little game of touching and counting each other’s fingers as many times as possible whenever we walked close enough.The fragrant aroma of perfumes,flowers and incense sticks and the hypnotizing hymns reverberating through the precincts completed the arc of the catharsis my mind was secretly wishing for and before i knew i,was crying softly.

“You are crying,bachche ! ” Aham stopped and whispered to my face while struggling with my stole to make sure my head was properly covered.

” Can’t I ? ” I smiled at him,with eyes full of tears.And love.

“All you want ! However on second thoughts you think we can spare the Moallim the ordeal of watching you break down just because you have nothing to cry over ? ” He smiled back at me,with eyes full of mirth and intoxicating bliss.

” Yeah sure,just don’t give me a look which shows how eager you are to give me a reason.Again ! ” I wiped the tears away,caressing their nimble,ephemeral warmth.

Few minutes later,when we were returning back,Aham paused at the site where the chain was hanging.When i looked quizzcally at him,he nodded and took out a small lock from his pocket.As i stood wondering what was that supposed to mean,he put the lock in place,giving it a fleeting kiss,all the while looking at me.

“What did you wish for ? ” I asked him,sounding very much the idiot i was feeling like inside.

” Same as your wish.Love.Always love.And a way we could be together forever,in the time warp which completes both of us.” He answered,a whimsical fantasy playing strange melancholic numbers in his eyes,which were now focussed at the distant hillocks visible at the top of the climb.

” You are stil not over the entire thing.” I murmured,reflecting on the meaning and implications of my own statement.

” What made you think so bachche ?”, he wavered in his intensity.” I’m good.Let’s go.”

When we reached my place and i got out of his car,i lingered to say something to him.

But he was the first to speak,his face in throes of something which no words could explain ” Bhartii,i have to tell you something and do know that there’s no good way to say this.The lock i put up on the chain there was not for you.And this is the last time we will ever see each other.I can not explain and i know you won’t care.I’m sorry.”

And that was actually the last time i saw Aham.My Aham.My dream,as it rushed away from me.I can still recall the anguish and rage which flashed on his face as he raised the window and drove away like a maniac while i stood in front of my house,shattered,lost and transfixed- like the kid who assembles all the lego blocks in the right places and is about to complete his dream castle when somebody walks down on the structure breaking it into pieces,which can never be recovered and assembled the same way ever.

Aham

Pain.Excruciating pain.The sort where you know picking on it will hurt and you still go with it.The type which proves that there are things far worse than death.That was what i felt as i drove away deserting Bhartii in love and life.But forgiveness was bonded with the pangs of guilt surging through my being.I knew this was not something i could do,but also this was the very thing i had to do.Six months of imprisonment and the taint which comes with it is enough to take down any diligent law student’s career and sanity.I struggled as much i could until the shadows within the shadows of insecurity grew way larger than my existence,swallowing it alive.And i did not want the Fates to word a similar story for Bhartii.She was better off without me.We both were better off without each other.Loving somebody is easier,it’s the stepping back for your love which tears you down to pieces.I,however was a different story.My love for Bharatii was the only reason i made it through and ironically,it was the reason i was falling down and down and down,into an abyss i had no wish to get out of.

Day 5

 

 

Bhartii 

 

 

Sometimes when i was taking a break from being my pragmatic self,i would wonder what’s stronger than guilt and a silhouette of it in all other respects.Now i knew.Helplessness.All these days when Aham was not picking up my calls or replying to my texts and pings,each new series of rings i heard when i dialled his number was a thread i held onto more and more violently and frantically.Every single beep on my phone bubbled up and then cruelly burned down my hopes.Spending all my days staring at his facebook wall just to get a glimpse or a word of what he was up to was something i never thought i would have to do.But here i was,turning into and harbouring the mockery of love i felt for him.

And then the realisation dawned on me.It was the instant i saw him walk away in the middle of the only class we had in common and for which he had turned up after two days; not even bothering with a glance at me.I recalled the story of a boy my best friend Vidhi had told me the other day,who was so obsessed with a pendant his late dad had left for him that he quoted events and proofs to claim it as his lucky charm.He always won his soccer matches when he had the pendant with him.One fine day,he discovered a crack in the thing and took it to his mom.His mom promised to get it mended and she did.The next day when the kid came back home after winning a match,his mom kissed him and told him they needed to talk.Turns out the pendant could not be repaired and the mother had bought an exactly similar one for the child just because he thought he could not go on without the pendant,which as it was evidently proven,he totally could.I was being the child.My unrequited feelings,and the hurt and aching hollowness which were taking over them, were distorting the paradigm through which i had to see the entire thing in context.I had to get my mind out of the mess where it could think rationally.Fast ! And boy,is blabbering always easier than doing the task for real !

I realised that the hard way,crying my eyes out for the entire evening,lighting ten or so blue candles in my room.Afterwards drunk on my grief and drowned in the loud music around me,i answered Vidhi’s call.

” Bhartii,are you okay ? Listen we need to talk.” She sounded way more tense and solemn than i was.

” Yup….i just realised that it’s no use holding onto each word he said,each memory which was exclusively ours if i what am fighting for is to get him out of my mind.I really don’t have to close the entire book,just turning the page and forgetting about it should suffice.And i am not that weak,am i Vidhi,when each breath i take,every time i look at him and don’t break down to the miserable creature i had become proves that i can live ? As long as i have people like you and mom holding me in place,i don’t have to be The Kid.I simply can not afford the luxury of being him.” I said and immediately felt some of the crushing weight on my psyche lighten.

“Yes.I am so happy for you that you actually saw through the things with reason and i understand that you still need a closure; at least some sort of an explanation from Aham,but believe you me,sometimes it’s best not to question things.We should be prudent enough if we are dealing with the phases in life which are more of Pandora’s box.” She said in her trademark “serious talk’ tone which always had a calming effect on me.

“How i hate it when you are so damned right ! “, I sighed and smiled inwardly.” So,what are the plans for tomorrow ? Wanna go out somewhere after college ? I badly need to try my hand at being normal. ”

” That won’t be possible.This is what we needed to talk about.”

” What now ? I mean,we just had a dead serious talk,Vidhi ! ” I grumbled.

” No.You don’t understand and i don’t know how to make you understand,but just know this girl,i love you and i want you to be happy and us to remain best friends no matter what .Aham and i are going out on a date tomorrow.”

Vidhi

 

Fire and ice.Blood and gold.Mercy and treason.Oh,how closely are ironies bound to the facets of life ! The hardest thing you have to do turns out to be the best thing you ever did.I loved and cared for Bhartii more than any friend could ever do,but you know a bitch when you see one.Our hearts are those wretched little monsters,turning the very definition of love into a nasty oxymoron.The truth is i loved Aham more.I always did.But when i knew Bhartii was going out with him,i checked myself from turning into one of those jealousy-driven,backbiting friends i had always despised.I knew i had to.Why,if it was the other way around,Bhratii would have done the same and that’s something i am sure of more than myself.It was meant to be that way.But then i got to know that things could never work out between her and Aham and my feelings for him were back to where they truly belonged.It was the least i could do for Bhartii.And for Aham.It was mercy.Yes,it was mercy.And trust.And the million little things friendship is. 

 

Day 8

 

 

Bhartii

 

The sensation of the lights in my room being turned on was easy to gauge with my eyes closed.I had a vicious pumping of aching pulses raging in my head,made worse by the illumination,but i was certainly not going to wake up so early on a saturday morning.More so because i had nothing left to wake up for.A blackboard dusted clean after a long day.That was my life now-  empty,plain and amazingly vast for a fresh start.But then i smelled a faint hint of my morning coffee,which i had given up on for the last few days.And my mom.I could hear the characteristic chiming of her bangles as she put my books and laptop away from my bed and placed the tray on the table beside my bed.

Her cold hands on my forehead were a soothing change,a caress which meant home.And peace.

” You okay,Tee ? Want to wake up,love,and talk to me for a while ? Just look at the view outside the window.Looks like winter is coming early this year.” She spoke,brushing her fingers through my hair.

I opened one eye,and then both. ” What time is it,mom ? ”

” Nine o’clock.Your dad just went out after having a talk about you.He worries.” Was she choking on her words ?

” Tell him there’s nothing to worry about.You can only feel the hurt to a limit.Push someone beyond that and the person couldn’t care less.After you complete the circle,there’s nowhere to go.”, I tried to comfort her,hoping that the words sounded true and sincere enough.

” But you haven’t completed the circle,Tee.There’s still a lot you have to do.”, She commented.

” Yeah,like falling in love again ? Getting a job ? Mom,give me a break.I know what i have to do.And you just don’t order your heart around.If i don’t feel like it,i won’t do anything.That’s it ! ” I was furious now,my anger shifting it’s locant from betrayal and infidelity to spoonfeeding and pampering.

” But you always loved going to your dance classes.May be they’ll help.Just to get you going and keep you busy,beta.” She suggested,half-afraid i would shout at her or something.

But I didn’t.” Fine.I will go.Just let me sleep for a few more minutes.”, I tried to force a smile,and failed royally at that.

She gave me a peck and went away without saying a word.As if she thought she could fool me into thinking how composed and strong she was and she wasn’t crying herself to sleep every single night i did it in my own bed.

Maansi

People think it’s easier to forgive yourself than to forgive someone else.All love,after all,is derived from self-love.But is it ? A mother knows better.When you see your child,a part of you,suffering and can do nothing about it,that part somewhere within you dies a thousand deaths.Bhartii was always closer to me than her dad.And what good did that do her ? I still can’t do anything about it,i might as well consider myself the one to blame.I have failed as a mother,as a woman and as the mentor Bhatii always thought i was to her.As i look at her face now,i can almost touch the cold knife,the hurt,the dread and the feeling that my child still has a long way to go if she is to come out of the torment she is in.

 

 

 

Day 16

 

 

 

Bhartii

 

I had always loved Salsa.When i was at it,i transformed into someone else.Someone who is magic,fire and grace; all things beautifully lethal.I love Suelta,its solo form even more.But not that evening.

An arm caught me around the waist,pulling me onto the dance floor.I recovered my footing quickly,holding his hands in mine and falling in step with Kavya.Kavya,who was pure mischief and a bastard in the game of hearts.As he spun me into an intricate turn,his eyes sparkled with innocent delight,with a fervent hope and an intense faith in my capability to love again.I let him lead me around,wondering how really good he was at it.A guy who can understand and speak in the wordless expressions the beats and turns signified; can you imagine the sarcasm destiny had a way to throw at me ? I could almost hear the three hags giggle in mirth.I had to try and resist myself from loving a guy who was leaving no stones unturned to make sure i give in.I mean,just look at the things the man was doing for me ! He called himself my ” Rebound Romeo” ( a term most of the other guys would self-combust at ),would listen to all of my sob-stories,take me out to crappy movies we laughed our asses off and proposed to me in the middle of my Insurance Law class (i was majorly surprised later when i recalled that i hadn’t even looked at Aham at the time ),which needless to say,did not help much with my grades in a project i was already late for.To top it all,my mom and dad were literally abetting the guy in his endeavour.Mom actually gave away my favourites in music to the Pied Piper,which immediately resulted in the daily delivery of a mixed DVD at my place.Worse still,the songs were all fabulous and a treat to discover and indulge in.

As if he was reading my mind all along,he smiled and spun me out into a flourish-filled ending,much to the delight of everyone in the class.Cheers and laughter continued,but as they faded and the group dispersed for the night,Kavya persisted in holding on to my hand,his fingers laced with mine.The music faded to a dramatic finish,and i finally decided to look at his face.

” I want to talk.Mind if we stop by at my place on the way home ? ” The question was clearer in his eyes.

I nodded and we both walked out of the studio.

Once at his place,he handed me a bottle of diet coke and asked me to wait while he changed and got himself his beer.When he came back in his turquoise blue hoodie and pyjamas,i wondered if this was actually the guy i had been running away from.He was looking so adorable.And vulnerable.

” So !! ” He sat down next to me on the couch and flashed a brief, goofy grin.” We have had this talk before as well.And you know all i want out of you is that you move on.So,it’s important for me to know if you are ready or not.”

” And you want me to believe that the exclusive motive behind the concern is altruism ? “, I raised an eyebrow,enjoying the game inside.

” Hell no !!  I ain’t a goddamned saint,you are too attractive for me to be one ! ” He laughed out loud.” You know how much i want you.It’s your turn to give it a shot,tell me if you will.”

And that did it.The sheer honesty,cuteness and the prospects ahead which he meant to me were incentives enough.I had all the rights to be happy for once and to start all over again.The company i was going to have might just turn out to be the best bonus ever.And come to think of it,what did i have to lose ? To hell with it ! I would go for it !! ” What if i say yes ? ” I teased him.

” What ? The best i can do right now is drinking to us and may be throwing one of us out of the window in the excitement ! ” He winked.

” Do that to yourself.The answer is yes ! ” I said,and before i could complete the statement,he lifted me off the couch,shouting ” Yay !! I love you” all the while and when he put me down,the look in his eyes turned almost dreamy as he leaned in for a kiss.

The rest of the night was spent in a daze ; the first kiss,the tender caresses on my hair,the weight and smell of Kavya’s body on mine,the way our fingers had interlocked perfectly and the instant our souls and bodies became one in pleasure and pain were all foggy details,until the moment he chose to break the comfortable,magical silence,through which i was drinking his essence and being.

” There’s more to it,Bhartii.Do you want to talk it out right now ?

” Tell me”, i breathed on to his face.

” I know you would need to talk to Aham one last time before you can truly get over the entire thing.I have asked him to meet you tomorrow and he has agreed.But before you do that,you need to know something.You remember the first time we met in the dance class ? I bet you won’t know that that was not purely accidental; i mean how could things have moved so fast between us if there wasn’t another story playing in the background ? It goes all the way back to the time Aham was jailed.You see,i have known Aham before you.In fact,i got to know about you from him.Since the first time i saw you,i was always smitten by the enigma in you.So,when Aham decided to let you go for your own good, Vidhi,him and i had a talk.Afterwards,your parents also sided in our efforts in saving you from yourself,from your love.They knew this all along.We all did,and now that you are safe where you truly belong,i thought you had a right to know.”

” You bet ! ” I said,as i kissed him.

 

 

 

Two months later

 

 

Bhartii

Bangles.Blood red bangles.I knew they were bringing out the best in me.Fire,blood,vengeance,rage and beauty.Anger ventilated turns into forgiveness,anger concealed into revenge.What of the anger you didn’t even know you were carrying within ? People should either be treated generously or destroyed altogether,because they take revenge for slight injuries; for heavy ones they can’t.And tonight,the woman won’t be frailty,whatever the bard might have said earlier.Rising over and forgiving someone is sweet,crushing them down to pieces is sweeter still.Like i had heard it somewhere,if everything you loved turns out to be a lie,somebody has to pay ; if deception cuts this deep,somebody has to pay.Justifying love and forgiveness was something i was doing all along,and where did that get me ? People would hiss and scoff at the very mention of words like hate and revenge,but conveniently disregard the fact that it is love which has caused more damage in the entire human history.Or that the hate inside them is as much a real part of them as the blue-eyed love.I was selfish enough to side with the one which suited me better.Tonight,it was hate,fuelling me,driving me to the strength and self-worth i never knew i had.For once,i was truly in charge of my life and felt good about it.If people abhor revenge by the same logic which scares them away from pleasure,constantly running away from any sins they might commit,let them.I won’t.Anymore.

This night was mine.The night of my engagement.Once i got down into the lawn where the marquee was,i texted Aham.

Minutes later,he was in front of me.

” Oh my my ! ” I flashed the brightest smile i could. ” Look at you,Aham ! Ever so handsome,ever so full of life,aren’t you ? ”

” i just wanted to……” He started.

” Stop ! I know what you wanted to.To wish me a happy life ahead,with Kavya.You need not.I will make sure it is one.But i got to tell you somethig else.It’s my turn at the ” We need to talk” thingy.Oh,it’s about your little baby i am carrying inside me.”

Shock and panic leaped into his eyes.

” Oh,remember the night we met,two days after i said yes to Kavya and the cosy little weak moment we had ? “, I was all smiles.And malice. ” What,did you,like this fool with the ring over there,think that the baby was his ? ”

I smiled and started walking down to Kavya,who looked devastingly handsome in his suited up avatar.” When you guys started playing gambles with my life,you didn’t bother to consult me at any point,did you? Same here.I just forgot to tell you that i didn’t take any pills the next morning.As for my parents who were so obsessed with their son and the financial mess they were in,they didn’t give two hoots to my ambitions,to my feelings,my desires,right ? Well,this kid will be a constant reminder for me to stay away from them.And as you can see that my filthy rich husband there will support me in whatever i do,i will continue chasing my studies and dreams like i had always intended to.And i am glad that i didn’t have to see my Aham with anybody.Thank God he died and left you in his place,an abomination,a weakling,a shadow of his former self and a miserable craven at heart.Tell your bitch that she could have the man you are so clearly not,when you share this wonderful,heart-warming piece of news with her.Or i will.Ok, i have to rush now.Gotta tell my boy about the thing as well ! You stay put,and enjoy the night.” I sent a flying kiss his way and turned to the lights.And to the new life waiting eagerly for me.

ANNEXURE ( Related reading ) :

Draupadi,as portrayed in Mahabharata

Shimmer

A grey,cold cabin,probably carved out from a single block of granite in the middle of the small town where i grew up,that’s what it was.Devoid of any openings except for the broad,rectangular slot which acted as the door,the building always seemed to be staring at you.Even from a distance you could see the examination table directly in front of you and in the middle of the cabin,mottled with its characteristic dried stains from blood and remnants of tissues.A befitting place to preserve death and dignity.Blotted rolls of surgical cotton and abandoned clothes scattered in the surrounding overgrowth of Acacia and Parthenium were the sights which inevitably would slow me down whenever i happened to be going down the road which overlooked the postmortem house.

I could never fathom the logic by which the authorities and people concerned deemed a place in the middle of a developing market-place suitable for a mortuary.To me,the place was too much of an abomination,turning even the air around it into hushed whispers.On my way to school,sometimes i could see a bunch of people sitting outside the chamber,huddled together to form a human chain of mourning and consolation.Their wailing and tears were almost as disturbing as the body lying nearby,invariably wrapped in a white shroud on a cart.I always used to slow down,may be pause for a while on certain days and shudder at the thought of the fate awaiting the body.Thankfully,i never could see the events which followed the arrival of the coroner and the pathologist.The thought of school and the constant chatter of the friends with me would divert my thoughts away from the morbid stillness and i would plod on.

The morgue spanned the end of a grassy patch which sloped down the main road to meet an imposing stretch of barren,dry land speckled with localised patches of small moors.The area would be completely filled with water when the monsoons arrived,drowning the ominous stench and feel which permeated the summers in the vicinity.Then all an outsider could see was a benign hut tangential to the small reservoir of water surrounding it.

It was an early July afternoon,if memory serves me well.One of my friends and I got out of the school to see the sky turning pitch black and sinister in rage.The monsoon madness.From where i come,Zeus had a longing affection and passionate attachment with the earth goddess Gaea.After the first monsoon showers,there would be instances when it would be raining torrents for days at a stretch,without any observable respite.Frontal or cyclonic rainfall was what they termed it as.So,you can imagine our alarm and the sense of urgency to get home as soon as possible.Incidentally,that meant taking a shortcut which touched the periphery of the postmortem house.Since we were the radical,young blood of the times and it was broad afternoon,in spite of the dark aura of the thunderclouds to the contrary,we decided to make a rush before the stormy winds or the rains notched a crescendo of unstoppable intensity.

By the time we reached the corner leading to the path that intersected the posterior walls of the morgue,it was already raining.The earthy,acrid smell of months of dust being washed down by water and the sound of the showers coupled with the winds whipping the streams against our face made us scurry towards the cabin with our schoolbags doubling up as our umbrellas.And then we both froze.

There was a corpse laid down on an abandoned cart.With no one around to take care of it,the shroud was rippling in the wind.And occasionally,you could see the swollen and disfigured toes of the dead body.

This isn’t anything unusual. We looked at each other as if to say the same thing,but our eyes gave away the slightest flicker of uncertainty.After the hiatus,Ashutosh decided to take the lead and i followed him,mentally crossing my fingers.

Fortunately for us,a middle-aged man and a small boy just happened to join us as we took the first step.When this uncle saw the corpse,he took a step back and looked at us.

“Why would you choose this way if you had an idea about this happening ? ” He raised his eyebrow to point out towards the body.

Now meddlesome uncles were quite a common sight for our small town and we were far too glad to have his company to be irritated,hence I mumbled something about the route being a shortcut and kept on walking through the rain.

” No,but how much of your time does this really save ? Gods be good,if something untoward happened,do you think anybody will know ? If nothing else,this unearthly,diabolic energy around the place doesn’t bode well for anyone.” Uncle,apparently,was adamant on sharing his profound wisdom with us.

Ashutosh,always the blunt one,responded, ” But what should we be worried about ? Spirits ? You really think that they care to be seen or felt by us mortals ? Won’t that be like us deserting earth and heading for hell or whatever to show the wraiths there that we exist ? Moreover,i have seen people disposing off the medical waste every now and then if that’s what troubles you.”

” Beta,speak not of the things which are beyond your existence or understanding.All i ask of you is to be safe if you can afford that.Stories have an uncanny way of turning out to be true.” Uncle remarked,while manoeuvring his way through the slippery,muddy slope at the end of the path.

I gave Ashutosh a calculating stare to shut him up and after a while,we turned to the respective directions for our homes.After the uncle was gone and I had thanked him mentally for helping us along,I looked back at the postmortem house.Through the deluge,I saw the corpse one last time.And now that the shroud was flapping wildly in the wind,I could see the vague outlines of a red and grey check shirt and black pants  –  exactly the same as worn by the uncle who was talking to us.