7 : 30 pm.
The sight of the shimmering lights and smoke across the muggy city,as tired as him after a day’s work,made him wince.He sighed,adjusted his posture and asked himself to smile to shake the fatigue off himself.The lady sitting next to her gave her a curious look,tinged with intrigue and smugness,as if smoking an ultra mild cigarette made her an irresistible Goddess from some alternate dimension.He ignored her,which,given her unsightly and nauseatingly gaudy appearance,was quite an easy endeavour.
An angry red gash across the sky flashed at a distance,illuminating the stoic realm of concrete in all its nakedness.No rains for him tonight,however.He could tell this simply by looking at the clouds.He wasn’t complaining though.Kindness,these days,made him uneasy.The feeling of being comfortably numb never seemed like such an enticing,cozy nest to him before.He took out his thought journal from his briefcase – empty.Symbolism is such a bitch sometimes,he mused.
Earlier when he used to look at people,they meant a billion different stories to him.Stories,which he wanted to tell at some point,or to be a part of.Now they were mere objects of annoyance to him,telling him that in the game of his own life,he has somehow slipped into the character of a pawn,and to his own horror has started liking it.When he had read The Catcher in the Rye for the first time,he hated the whiny,eternally frustrated protagonist Holden in spite of the beautiful arc of the “fallen” and the “catcher” which revolved around his debatable maturation through the length of the novel.He wasn’t just that sure anymore.Weakness is not a choice,but an inevitable lesson for everyone.His time for being a protege was right there and then- he might as well give himself to it,shouldn’t he,he found himself asking the question.
That worried him.Getting too close to his real feelings had become a daunting prospect for him.He quickly fished out his Blackberry and logged in to his facebook account.Simultaneously he checked his call/text log in the notification area.
7 notifications.The addict in him got his reward for not checking his phone every five minutes.He smiled inwardly,and scrolled through the list of the notifications.
6 : 05 pm. Text message from Kanika.
He won’t talk to me,Mayank.All I wanted was to give him his portrait i got painted last week.Strangely,I don’t feel anything else.It’s like a neat,check-mark to our story-we are done.
Also,i wont be coming to the theatre for rest of the week.Please convey the same to Baasu Da.For some reason his number is unreachable.
‘So.it’s over.Aarav is not coming back.If only this girl could separate her roles on stage from her life ! If only she could love reality as much as she loves herself !! If only she knew where to draw the line,to stop her life as an actor from taking over her entire being ! Aarav was the best man she would ever get,the only one who saw how incapable she was of experiencing real emotions,of living a life which was truly hers – and still loved her.God,why couldnt she cry when he came to say goodbye ? ” He reflected,vigorously shaking his head.This made the lady stare at him again,this time with obvious disdain.
The bus had reached his stop by then.He started getting out of his seat,but paused for a while and looked squarely at the lady.
” You guys get reservations in public transport,don’t you ? Why ? So that you can burn the buses down all the while reading that it’s forbidden to smoke in here ? And whom are you doing a favour by gulping this toxic fire down your lungs ?”
The lady,visibly scandalisedand shocked,choked on the smoke.Before she could blurt out something as vitriolic as her facial expression,she started shaking with a coughing fit.And rage.
Mayank got out out of the bus leaving her caught in the tendrils of the smoke around her.He began to cross the road,checking his phone again.
Screeeeeechhhhhhh……!!! An autorickshaw stopped inches away from him.The driver gave him an angry look,as if complaining about the fact that Mayank was still alive after rankling him with his obtuse recklessness.He neither had the energy nor the will to bother with another confrontation,hence he returned the driver’s look with an indifferent one and moved on to the other side of the road,pretending to be engrossed in something urgent on his phone .
6 : 15 pm. Missed call from Nayan.
‘She called ? Why ? Did she need anything? Has she sensed something ?’ He wondered.A rush of seething memories came upon him unawares.A dream…..she was there.He was touching her……..drowning in her breath.And then that one touch when she was buttoning his shirt because Natasha was in the bathroom.That felt wrong,but exciting first.But he never did or could act……he knew…he shouldn’t even be thinking about it.He did feel that way though,to be sure and exactly when he stooped that low he could not recall.That was just once,he consoled himself,desperate to rationalize what he had felt.He quickly tapped the next notification and it opened as a text message.
6 : 17 pm. Text message from Archna.
You have to talk to Natasha.She has gone way too far.It has been three months and she refuses to do anything about her job.They have already sent three letters,the next one would positively be a dismissal note if this goes on.She has lost interest in herself,Mayank.The other day I noticed her wearing the same gown for four days and I pointed it out to her.She just smiled at me absent-mindedly and went on with whatever she was doing.It’s almost likes she is treating Aniruddh’s illness as the badge of her ultimate failure.You remember how protective you were about Nayan when Natasha had just come into your life ? And this is Aniruddha we are talking about,the only living soul she loves more than you.Do something before her self-loathing and low self-esteem take her as well as Aniruddha down.For Christ’s sake,the child is barely 11 months old !! Talk to her and then get back to me.I will be waiting.
‘Wretched woman ! She thinks that she loves her sister more than I love my wife !!’ This annoyed Mayank until the truth dawned on him.He had been neglecting Natasha.Whe was the last time he made love to her or held her in his arms like he used to ? He saw her fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of depression Aniruddha’s malady meant for her and chose to ignore her.Heck,that must not have been personal though.He had been ignoring himself,to begin with.But he was in love with Natasha once,wasn’t he ? Truly.Madly.Deeply.He had turned into half a person after the death of his first wife.He quit his job as a lecturer and joined a local theatre exactly five months after Meher died.Natasha walked out on her husband to marry him a year later.Now the two one-legged people were trying to walk together and failing miserably at that.The taste was more bitter because when they were falling in love they had forgotten that they were with the disability before they came to each other – now the only comfort left to them was blame.And resentment.An easy game this one,thought Mayank.
He closed his eyes for a few seconds,standing under the flyover from where he was to board a taxi.A gentle,cool wind had started blowing as the evening gracefully handed over the reins to a serene moonlight.He opened his eyes once he felt a bit better.
6 : 20 pm. Text message from Shaurya.
Where the hell are you ? Tried calling you twice.Romit called me after you left.He says………he won’t be getting back.That he can only think of his life without me now !! How could he do that to me ? How could he deny me the right to hold his hand,to love him,to walk him out of this tragedy ? Should the end of one life spell the same for all other relationships ? And then he hangs up by saying that he loves me ! Fuck his love ! I want him,and not these bloody words !!Call me back when you see this.
He scrolled down further to read the next one.
6 : 25 pm. Text message from Romit.
Mayank,I want you to do me a favour.Please explain to Shaurya why I can never make it back to the city and help him forget me.You are the only one close enough to him to do that.You will never know the horror,the surreality of listening to your father’s last words as everyone in the family looks at you with a disconsolate helplessness(and I truly wish that you never do).He never was the father I wanted him to be but only because it was really difficult for him to accept that I would never be the man he wanted me to be.The love I always craved from him awaits me in the form of the family he has left me to look after.I can not lose that love again.Yes,I am a craven,a spineless creature weighing and comparing Shaurya’s love against my family’s.And here I am.Lost.Defeated.Shattered.I have chosen my family because Shaurya will still be loved without me there.You will assure me on that count,won’t you ? Tell him that I have loved him like he was the only one I ever knew,and that is how it always will be.
A strange fancy took him in its hold as he finished reading the text and he started smiling.Without flicking through the rest of the notifications,he locked his phone and put it into his pocket.Drawing three big cross marks in his head,he shook his head.’This ends here’,he muttered to himself.Love doesn’t have to be this difficult,nor happiness this painful.
He walked over to the nearest taxi and asked the driver if he would take him to Orion shopping mall.As he was negotiating the fare,a small girl grabbed hold of his shirt asking for loose change.For the first time in his life,Mayank found that gesture cute.He turned to the girl,sporting a huge grin and lovingly ruffled her hair.The girl,slightly abashed,started giggling sweetly.He gave her a five rupee coin and got into the taxi.The girl kept waving at the taxi until it swerved around a corner and disappeared into the huge sea of callous,cold traffic lost in its own rage and rush.
After a minute,he texted the director of the theatre he worked at,telling him that Kanika won’t be coming for the rest of the week and he for the rest of his life.He could barely stop himself from breaking into guffaws as he imagined the look on the poor guy’s face when he would read the text.May be this was worth it for that alone.He had to call Natasha before he reached the mall though.He dialled her number and soon found himself humming along with the caller tune…
Zindagi do pal ki………..
Zindagi do pal ki………..
Intezaar kab tak ham karenge bhalaa….
Tumhe pyaar kab tak na karenge bhalaa……
ADDENDUM : There is beauty,only beauty,and nothing else.Taking pictures is savoring life intensely, every hundredth of a second.And yet the best part of beauty is that which no picture can expresss.Walking in rains,falling in love,winning a dart game ,getting cozy around a January bonfire – that’s all there is.Embrace life,kiss passionately and pick up your moments of awesomeness !! La vie est une célébration !!
#1 High-fiving babies
#2 Finally getting that annoying bit of popcorn out of your teeth
# 3 When someone lands on a hotel you just built in monopoly
#4 Fixing electronics by smacking them
#5 Bakery air in early spring
#6 The final seconds of untangling a really complicated knot
#7 The friendly nod between strangers out doing the same thing
#8 Old folks who sit on their porch and wave at you when you walk by
#9 Staring at deep,calm water
#10 Getting the eyelash out of your eye
# 11 When you arrive at your destination just as a great song ends on the radio/music player
#12 Talking about how much the meal you are having at home would cost in a restaurant
#13 The feeling when the love of your life arranges a surprise for you after a fight
#14 Lying in bed and listening to the sound of rain from inside the tent
#15 Catching somebody singing in their car and sharing a laugh with them
#16 When you manage to squeeze out enough toothpaste for one last brush
#17 When you hear someone’s smile over the phone
#18 Remembering what movie that guy is from
#19 A hug from someone who always makes things right for you
#20 Crying freely