As the bus took a turn,groaning obscenely and lending a treacherous jerk to the sleepy passengers at the back,Soham woke up and looked outside.And immediately felt glad for the dilapidated state of the bus which had him on tenterhooks and regretting his decision to go out when his car was out for service for the entire first fifteen minutes after he had boarded it reluctantly.Through the missing glass in the unequally divided panes of the window,rain was coming inside.August rain-gray,heavy,stealthy and surreally sweet.The small streams starting from somewhere on the roof of the bus lingered and meandered against the window,while the tangential showers from the rich,gloomy sky lashed against the entire length of it.Soham hesitated,smiled a smile he never thought he could and extended his hand outside the window,as if still in a dream.The raindrops and the roaring wind that carried them drenched him and he felt his instantly overjoyed being sweep over his gloom and crankiness for the moment.As long as his world had pleasures like this and beauty such as was evident outside,he could live through all the madness that came his way and threatened to tear his life and vitality apart.As long as he could just go on wandering along sitting in the bus and breathing in the sheer euphoria such apparently insignificant torrents brought him,he could forget all he was and all the world had made out of him.He could forget why in seven hells and how much he loved Swayam and why he was visibly petrified of his own affections towards him now.Letting his mind wander,he relaxed and silently reflected as a memory came over him unawares.
Swayam,who had always been there for him since his college years.Swayam,who was the only one he could think of whenever he felt that the world was falling onto him,trapping him in a merciless abyss.Swayam,who had stood up for him when his own family had turned away from him after the disgrace he had brought them by failing in his three consecutive majors in a single year.Swayam who always urged him to stand up and fight the world like the devil he could and should be.But thats precisely was what Swayam was wrong about.Soham could never hurt somebody,could never fight back unless it was the only way out.He had always needed a saviour, a mentor,a soulmate.And he got exactly that in Swayam.Or at least thats what he thought until the night all hell broke loose and he was left bereft of what could have been his reason of existence.He recalled how elated he had been the day they both had decided to formalise their relationship.They had gone to the KFC at the corner of their college campus and talked and dreamed of nonsense,of things they would do together on their 25th and 50th and nth anniversaries,of the fights they would have over bills and household chores and the way both of them would wake each other up in the mornings.Soham never could come to terms with this amazing beautiful dream which his life was to become soon,with the fact that the only person he wanted more than himself would be exclusively his.He prayed,he relished,he shuddered.And it was all as good as it could have been until they had been together for two years.
The first time Soham noticed something was wrong was the day he had an unusually long talk with his friend Ayush,who was upset over his professional losses.The moment he put down the phone and turned around he saw something strange in Swayam’s eyes,as if to him, Soham was hiding some trifle part of himself and he was wondering whether to forgive him for that or not .It flashed there only for a moment or two and then it was gone.But for Soham it was as good as an unflickering,cold stare which got burned into the very vitals of his mind.As they made love afterwards and Swayam’s fingers dug into and seared his back in an intense fit of passion,a queer,involuntary tremor passed through him.The searing sensation that burned through his skin had always been animalistic and orgasmic for him,but that very night it felt wrong somehow,tinged with an odd extreme of possession,with a desire to hurt and dominate,to take charge.He could have been wrong for all he knew,but in retrospect he wasn’t.And it got only worse from there.
Swayam continued to be an enigma for him.Soham’s very notion that he knew his soulmate in and out and could predict what he would say or do before he even thought of it himself went for a toss.Apparently completing each other’s sentences and laughing together exactly at the same point in a cheesy joke was not good enough.Swayam turned recluse as the days went by and then violently possessive.This was all fine with Soham until his love started existing and living through him,setting up his own life and psyche around his mate’s.He would follow him around wherever he went,call him incessantly whenever he could not.Unfortunately the whole facade which Swayam was putting up so seemed sweet and soulful to Soham in the initial days.That all changed when Swayam’s whims gradually transformed from being amorously possessive to evidently controlling and abusive.He would ask Soham to not to talk to people he didn’t want him talking to,to not to meet and linger around specific guys whenever they went to parties and to pick up every single call of his,which continued to escalate in number and frequency when they were not together.An unwarranted row with Ayush over why he would take Soham to dinner when Swayam was home was the final straw.Soham having had endured enough of his nasty mood swings confronted Swayam as to what exactly was wrong with him and how he,of all the people,could turn into the miserable creature he had become.His words,and more than that,the naked truth in them incensed swayam’s ego and rage no end and his hurt,anger and the love for his love came out in spurts of his vitriolic catharsis.And then Soham knew.The fear….the raw,smarting fear to lose him,the insecurity,the pain…..God,how could Swayam even have thought of horrible things like that ! Being way too handsome than his partner was no fault of his and was something he could do nothing about.And being a Muslim by birth was no indicator of his fidelity and commitment towards a gay relationship,or the lack thereof.Just because he had become professionally independent and relatively mature and stable in his thought processes or needed his virgin moments of fire-gazing now and then,it was not that he didn’t need Swayam.He needed him like he needed his own soul and breathing,like his own existence,like his music and punching bag which he could not do without.He needed him more than himself.And he could never get him now.It was too late….Swayam had gone too far without him and onto a path which rendered return possible only if company was sacrificed for wretched solitude.Nevertheless,he hugged Swayam fiercely and comforted him,taking his head in his lap until he went to sleep,sobbing and muttering things which tore Soham apart over and over again.And then after Swayam was asleep,he broke down and cried like the child who is lost in some crowd,but would not seek help out of fear.
When morning came,it was like nothing had changed and Swayam made sure that that was the truth indeed.Soham recalled with vaguely detached and cold dread the night they broke up.It was some birthday party of a friend of theirs.After being through with more than twice of his usual share of wine,Swayam had come to him-maudlin,hammered beyond senses and with a guy in his arms.As he bent down and kissed Soham almost desperately,he mumbled something along the lines of “…….it hurts…your love…but never you dare let me go…i….” and went off with the guy,lust for Swayam writ large in the asshole’s eyes.It was as if the moment he let Swayam’s hand slide out of and away from his hands was the moment he let him go.He could no longer subject the person he loved to death to the torment he was going through.No words could soothe him,no talks or measures could salvage their relationship now.He could fight all the bitches and blues of world for Swayam,but how could he fight what he himself was.Let the blame rest on him now and let Swayam think it was he who called the shots.Let him be blessed and that was all he could save out of this disaster.Hurt and loss carving vistas and memories,known and unknown,in his mind, leeched him of his sense of being alive and a part of him died deep within as he left Swayam and went out of the party.
Life was never the same,thereafter.Like smears of ink spread apart and broken on account of intrinsic tension,they both longed to touch and dissolve into each other even after what all had happened,but neither of them like the goddessbedamned ink drops knew where to gravitate towards and how to cover the trail left gaping and undone between them.Except for one brief,furious,stolen kiss when they met to sort out the finality of separation,they were as good as awkward strangers trying to be nonchalantly polite ( or sometimes overtly hateful) to each other.There is no distance on Earth as far as yesterday,they say,and it could have been tailor-made for his own life,for all Soham knew.Sometimes moving on is not an alternative but the only thread which binds you to sanity and nobody loves anybody more than themselves.And so Soham realised,reminisced and retrieved the best of himself out of the agony.Correcting all the grammar in his love letters was a painful task,but he persevered.
Two years since then,he had arrived.Or arrived and recovered as much as he could.Nobody gets to live their life backwards and forgotten memories tell you there’s still time for you to create new ones.If somebody out there was made for him,destined to be his lifemate,let the bloody fate work out all the conspiracies; let his love chase him around.He was done with romance and he shall not have any more of a love which does nothing but sits back and gladly stabs him in the back when it reaches its crescendo.Love,unlike life,had been no friend of his.Nonetheless,cajoled and bugged by his friends and interested suitors alike,once he had landed himself in a secure and comfortable position in the professional arena,he did join a dating site and started going back to the parties he had avoided.But love would remain a forbidden territory, a long forgotten song whose lyrics serve no purpose but to irritate the listener.
And this is why he was here,going to meet a guy who he had decided to check out after what seemed like an aeon to him.His last date had been a disaster with an emotional baggage as big as his glum,stupid face.Archie,if nothing else,would at least save his weekend from turning into a long drawn boredom trip.That was something he was sure of.Just because the guy seemed such a maverick imp.And visibly handsome too.
As the bus screeched and slowed down to a lethargic halt and Soham got off directly into the heavy downpour,he rummaged his pockets to take out his phone.Cupping his hands to save the phone from getting wet,he dialled Archie’s number.And got a busy tone ! Sweet mother of Gods ! Of all the times he could have been talking nonsense over a call,this idiot had to choose this very instant.Sighing wearily and taking a deep breath,he started walking towards Eclat,the restaurant they both had agreed upon for the meet after rejecting other,less plausible options like the Moon or river Amazon.Once he reached the place and got himself settled comfortably in the warm,cosy feel of the interior,he ordered an espresso and took out his phone to reply to some of the texts left unread.When he was about to finish his coffee,he saw Archie rush in.Wet,impetuous and smug.Always smug.He had all the time and reasons in the world to be smug,Soham thought.
“You Monsieur Donut,” Archie exclaimed with a grin.”I never knew you would be so fickle as to desert me for your goddamned coffee,or are there any tall,dark,handsome knights here, lurking in disguise for Your grace ?”
Soham put down his cup on the table and had a lazy,but avid glance all over him.”Hardly.And we can only desert people when we have been with them for some time,which,unfortunately,is a tad difficult if the said people keep their phones busy at the precise moment you call them.”
“Well,if you think i was enjoying talking to somebody just for the sheer fun of it,while standing in the rain AND waiting for you,i would rather let you think that”.Archie said,as they shook hands.He slid a chair out from a nearby table and sat down contentedly.”Its no use telling a dragon why you woke him when he is about to eat you up anyway.”
“That.is.not.our.table.you see.!! ” Soham,evidently mortified,blurted out.
“What,I never took the table away,” Archie shrugged his shoulders,feigning ignorance.”Besides,helping the staff here in their mandate would be pleasantly altruistic but wont take you far if you have the remotest intentions of getting laid sometime.And i can safely assume that it has been ages since your last time.”
“Spare me your zealous speculations.I would rather we discuss something which wont get me thrown out of here before the evening is done,”Soham pointed out tersely and handed the menu to Archie.
While Archie was going through the things on the menu,Soham looked at him and realised a strange,bumpy sensation passing through his body.Desire.Desire to possess.Beauty that hurts,beauty that makes you want to do things.In a Black Sabbath Tee with his loose,spiky hair and a cute,wickedly childish smile,Archie was beauty.And cuteness.Something to cherish,something to get drowned in.After they had ordered their pasta,wine and chocolate chip cake,he looked up at Soham and it was then that he saw how absolutely gorgeous and deeply expressive his eyes were.
“So,how is your little Angelic ex doing ? Or more importantly how are you doing without his divine love ? “, Archie asked nonchalantly,though Soham could see his eyes betray a hint of slightest genuine and patient concern.”Or will that be exes,if it please you ?”
“It don’t please me.And it has been ages since i moved away,apart and on,Archie.This is known”,Soham interjected.”Or else,I am a veteran casanova,here to take you for a ride.”
“I can very well do with some riding.”Archie smirked.”And don’t go on pretending you are through with the ever so lovely prologue which is your past if you are clearly not.Sweet is the memory of the past troubles,and to you they seem sweeter still,i hazard.But let me tell you this,no-effing-body is rich enough to buy back his past.And as long as you are reluctant to wipe your slate clean,all you would have with you are stars of words with some charming darkness all around.”
“And how i love dark knights and darker lives would be your next conjecture,i presume,” Soham tried to put a bit of acid into the words but the fact that he was staring like a dork at Archie’s face hardly helped.
“See,Soham,its completely okay to carry bits and parts of your past into your future as long as they are nothing more than a handy source of happiness and insights.There’s no meaning left to yourself if you try to take any part of yourself away,be it your past or your desires.The sooner you learn how to love yourself more than your past,the better it will be.More so for your sex-deprived psyche.”
“So the best motivation you could come up with is few hot,delicious hours of love making ?,” Soham raised his eyebrow,smiling.
“Now did I say anything about the sex being “hot” ? And hey, how the fuck did you do that ? Raising an eyebrow ? I always thought it was cool when people did it.”Archie said as he struggled in vain to manoeuvre his eyebrows.
“Try and see if your recurrent orgasms are of any help,” Soham laughed aloud.
Later on, after he had taught him how to go on about the task,they started their dinner.The more Soham talked to him the more he realised how apt a foil Archie was to him.His passion for soccer,anime,history,dance and books nowhere did intersect with the things in his domain of interest.Yet,when Archie talked about his favourite science fiction novels or about the thrill of a long awaited game of soccer,he was drawn in.He wanted to know about the people at the firm he worked in,about what he thought of the cliches in movies or of the hype attached with most of the political happenings,about what he liked in people and what he loved to hate.Worse still,he wanted to hold him in his arms,to run his calloused fingers through his soft,inviting hairs,to claim him as his own,for the night,forever.When he was coming for the date,love had been a overrated thing of inconvenience and the maximum he had hoped for was an interesting evening.Suddenly,it thrummed alive in his veins and mind.Surely the rains were to be blamed- the dark harbingers of longings and fatal,hammerheaded stupidity.But if pining for something,or someone,which brought such exultation to him was stupidity,let the wisdom rest with the stronger built souls in the world.His would be ignorance and stupidity and foolishness.To love again,to want someone,to do everything to get him.And this time around ,he had nothing to lose.This realisation and a new found determination brought him to such levels of ecstasy that after they had finished their dessert,he tipped the waiter with almost 60 % of his bill and walked out of the restaurant,trailing Archie with a perky monsoon number on his lips.
When they reached the parking lot,Soham sat down for a bit in his car and smiled.
“What,i am not having an all-nighter in my car,” Archie exclaimed.”Besides as much as i love to talk about sex,it’s not about sex with everyone !!”
“Will it be hard for you to accept the fact that sometimes people can be driven by motives nobler than sex ?” Soham asked,no longer trying to suppress the smile playing on his lips.
” Very hard,” said Archie as he donned his seat belt and smiled.
“Never you mind that.Just listen to me.Is it too late to claim that i might have fallen for you ?”
“Nopes,” said Archie.”Its only ten by my watch.But do you realize that it might be too early to say that or i might be the worst person to say it to ?”
“If i am falling for you,you,of all the people would be the most apt to say it to i guess.” Said Soham,as he got a bit closer to Archie.
“Listen,you know how much of a social reject and son of devil i am,and what you know about me is not even half of the skeletons i have in my closet.I used to do and deal in drugs once,thanks to the crappy parenting and wanton impulses i had,i am already dating two guys,one of which i have developed a well to do equation with and i suck at getting and keeping a job.It would be embarrassing to admit that in spite of your overly sugary persona,i do kind of like you,but i would rather not wager anything on it as of yet.”
The dating part was a blow,but Soham could not back off now.Even if he wanted to,he could not let Archie and what all he represented go.That would be insulting the very person in his face who gave your life twice to you.”I never gave two hoots to skeletons,anyway.And how you fare with your job-keeping skills is no business of my heart.As for your eager suitors,shall we just say your true Knight with his spurs has arrived and he would love a bit of jousting with his competitors now and then ?”
“May be.But i love my knights wild and daring,” Archie winked.And before he could come up with some other smartass comment,Soham leaned in and kissed him.As his lips met Archie’s,he trembled.With desire,with anticipation,with too intense an epiphany.To him Archie tasted of salt,of eternal love,of nostalgia and of home.He devoured his lips hungrily and passionately,like somebody lost in shadows relishes light and warmth once he discovers the meaning in them.His hands caressed and marvelled at Archie’s silky hair and he drew him closer as they both consummated their kiss in utter oblivion of the rain and the world outside.
Two days thence,while talking to Soham,Archie asked him to check out his almost doomed competition and Soham,laughing heartily opened the profiles he mentioned.And once he had clicked on the second profile,he saw Swayam’s carefree face smiling at him.
ADDENDUM :
Stories in Blood 